The blog that went rogue

Below is the post I wrote the other day, I think my second day in Sydney. I wanted to talk about two issues and they kept muddling together and I felt like this emotional ramble (because that's sort of what it is) lacks the economical use of words that I usually make my priority. I don't want my message to get lost in a wall of text, usually I only ever say as much as I believe is needed. 

Well, don't say I didn't warn you...

-------------------

Life isn't simple. We all know it can be hard, but it can also be complicated and there's not always a simple answer when we try to work things out or make decisions. Four years ago I went across the world and I fell in love, I know it was love, because the moment I left Wellington that first time, I knew I had to go back, so I abandoned my other travel plans, lost about £200 on accomodation and went back to Wellington. That's a little thing, a very little thing. To me it's a big thing, it's red lights big, it's alarm bells big. I don't just change plans, I don't deviate, I'm brittle with focus, I don't adapt, there is only ever one way. But, love has a funny way of inciting change, forcing us to choose another path when we find something we can't live without. 

If I tried to tell you the horrors that I contain in my mind, every day, you might not be surprised, I suspect a lot of people suffer far more than they let on to others, but if I were to tell you out loud the feelings I go through and the thoughts I have, they might seem alarming. When people know how much I stuggle to travel, how distressing every single day can be, they always seem to come back to the same, near incomprehensible, questions: Why? How? 

How is simple, I've said it before and I'll say it again, when you're scared all the time anyway, you might as well do something worth doing. (That sounds more like the why, but it's not) Put simply, how I manage is the same way I manage every day, and maybe that's a post for another time, but when you go through it all the time, you learn skills, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't, but you use them and that's how. 

But why? That's not so simple to explain. I suffer most days, I have abracelet that   reads "I am half agony, half hope", it is a quote from persuasion, I'd actually say it's more 70/30 myself. My whole life is one tumultuous internal struggle, and perhaps agony is the word that best describes the feelings. Fear battles excitement, isolation pushes against the need for space, bordom wrestles with a desire for inner calm. I have desperate feelings of loss and grief with no cause, I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel ashamed. 

With that in mind I feel I have two options, resignation; I could just give up, I could live with things as they are, or I could try to look for answers, try to change, learn, grow, discover, solve. 

So when I travel, it's really because all that fear and angst, all those tenuous moments and difficulties are better than the alternative, which is just to live with the agony every day for the rest of my life, and that's not something I can explain easily. 

I miss wellington, I miss it desperately, I feel such loss at leaving and I wonder why ever I thought I should travel anywhere else, why I didn't stay put there. On one hand I know, but on the other I still can't make sense of why I left. I love wellington, it is honestly my favourite place in the world, I have been four times now and I already wish to go back there. When I have spoken to people here, the same question has come up time and time again; why haven't you moved here? 

I honestly don't know, that complexity I was talking about, this is it, I can't work out why I keep visiting but I haven't moved, up until now I didn't even realise that wasn't 'normal', and I keep asking myself but I don't know. I don't care if it's 'normal' but if has brought up some questions. It's something I'm going to have to reflect on, I guess I don't know much about love. 

Scorching bay

Since I'm sitting on a bus for 6 hours, I thought maybe I'd have a go at telling you about Wednesday and my visit to Scorching bay. This was the morning I had been wallowing in self pity, desperate loneliness and apathy. The morning I was so frantic about missing out on wellington, that I couldn't make up my mind where to start, so I just sat and waited, trying to process all the possible options I had and their outcomes. This was the morning I spoke to Rhyannon and she pressed my reset button and suddenly I knew where I needed to go, that I needed to go to Scorching bay. 

I took the bus to Miramar with the intention of walking across to the bay, only Wellington is made up of long hill ridges, like fingers of green spread between suburbs and I hadn't known that one of these hills ran along between Miramar and the coast. I do now. 

Google maps has given me an incredible resource, one quick glance and I can find my way anywhere, think I'm lost and the GPS will let me know if I took a wrong turning somewhere, but what it wasn't showing me was the topography of the land, and I'm really glad of that, because when I walked towards the outer point of the Miramar peninsular with the plan to take a right and make my way two streets across to where the coastline waited, I was met with an unexpected challenge and a pretty big hill to climb. 

I like hills, they are hard to climb, sometimes a great struggle but when you reach the top, the view and sense of satisfaction you feel are a worthy reward for perseverance and determination and you walk away with greater strength. I'm pretty sure that never happens when you take shortcuts, when you rush past or always follow the easiest path. They represent so clearly the choices we face in everday life when deciding which path to choose, who wouldn't pick a hill? 

This path was a pedestrian only footpath meandering to the top, trees pressing in from the sides, sheltering above. This path might be the most beautiful path I have ever walked if only for the natural beauty and the ever present voice in my head reminding me what I would have missed had I just stayed in my room, had I not made a decision. 

It was hot, I was aware that having convinced myself it was a cold day, I was somewhat overdressed. The cicadas were deafening, a beautiful reminder of how far I'd really come, and once or twice I heard a tui singing somewhere nearby. I reached the top of the hill alive, and not quite roasted, but exhausted and feeling more alive than I had for quite some time. I marvelled at the view, I felt as if no one would believe me when I told them this vast, blue beauty existed, I wanted desperately to bring it back with me. I followed vaguely held instructions in my head, walking along the top of the hil, parallel to the sea, before reaching another pedestrian footpath and the final steps down to Scorching bay. There was a fruit tree, I do not know what kind, I could not recognise the little fruits that littered the path but the sun had heated them making the air fragrant. As I made my way back and forth down the hillside, scorching bay came into view and I was enraptured. I had lunch at the cafe by the beach, famed for being the cafe of choice for the cast shooting lord of the rings, and laid by the beach just long enough to burn my forearms. Then I walked along the coast, becoming ever more delighted by the views before finally setting back over the hill by a different path and back to darlington road, where the buses stop. It was the best day of my trip although not the happiest, intensely bittersweet, overshadowed by a wistful feeling of having to leave something behind and experiencing perfection alone. 

A piece of the view

First glimse of scorching bay

Looking back from the coastal path

An actual photo of me

Along Karaka bay road

Speaks for itself.

Leaving Wellington

Today I set off from Wellington and I can't help but wonder why I thought one week would be enough. I guess I didn't want to leave my life behind for too long and I thought it was important to visit other places too. Later I'll arrive in Rotorua, which is north of Wellington and famed for it's geothermal activity, thrill seeking, Māori village and redwood forest. I will stay there for two nights, if anything, now the challenge begins. 

The importance of loneliness

I feel a bit embarassed now as I recall the first few days of the week and how I believed the only thing missing from my experiences was company. I think whenever I travel, I have some difficult days and they are the ones I learn the most from, I have learnt something that I had been beginning to understand about myself but had forgotten, something that defines all my experiences and should have been obvious. 

I'm not a people person. 

I don't like people. 

Of course, I like certain people, but they are not 'people', people refers to the mass of human beings that surrounds us and enjoying the conpany of select persons who I have a bond with is not enough to make me like 'people'. 

As time goes on, I discover more and more how my life is governed by introversion, by the errosion of my boundaries when louder humans who see nothing wrong with trampling over my wants and needs, who take my time, my emotional resources and my energy. Too long have people been selective about the meaning of the word 'no', too long have they pushed and edged around it, decided it does not apply to them, that their feelings outweigh my own and that they can take what they want with minimal responsibility. 

Well no more. I will not roar it, I will say it quietly and gently, I will not become someone I am not in order to protect my boundaries, I will say it as me and I will say it with no appology as I recieve none when people fail to listen to that one simple word. 

I cannot be drained and burnt out by people who are not like me, who take more than I can give, and most importantly, I will defend myself. 

Too long have I taken a stance that it is is easier to repair the damage it does than to protect and defend myself, that it is worth compromising my own feelings to spare someone else the awkwardness of being stood up to when the same thought is not spared for me. 

This trip I have been okay, safe, the boundaries pushed were entirely benign but the emotional drain and the turmoil caused by people choosing to overlook my limits has been too great, and it should not make a difference the context when maintaining boundaries. 

I really need loneliness, I will appreciate it better now. It is loneliness but it is also freedom, it is revival, it is the calm that spreads on the surface of a lake. I will not deny that is brings about a saddness in me, but I can see that it is by far the lesser of two evils and in time, when I have people around me once again, I will be glad to have spent that time alone and my achievements will be all the greater for it. 

Overcoming

So yesterday after my blog post, I started to plan in my mind what I would do, I started to try to compute all options I had for things to do, cross reference them by number of days here and again by weather, tried to work out which things were close enough to do in one day and which things would take a day in themselves, which were most worthwhile, which cost more, which things would lead to other possible opportunities, which... My brain had crashed. Like a computer given factors that could not be determined and asked to run an impossible algorithm based on uncertaintly and vague, ever changing human emotion. 

A little while later Rhyannon talked to me, told me to run through what the options were, she said:

"It's not a waste of time because you're learning more and more about yourself and what's the worst thing that can happen, you miss a few things and have the rest of your life to go back and see them again"

So simple, how did she make it so simple? 

I knew then what my priority was, but felt reassured that New Zealand wasn't going anywhere, assuaging a constant gnawing fear that I hardly knew was there. The reality is, I do have to choose, not only to have a great fun holiday (cue sarcasm) but much more importantly, because this is my chance to learn lessons, and those lessons will change the year ahead. Two years ago, I learnt some lessons that put me in a place where I was able to have a relationship with another human being, I have always, always attributed my trip to New Zealand as the overiding factor that made it possible, and yes, it did, but realistically, I didn't stop learning once I was home, it just gave me something to run with. 

So yesterday my brain stopped trying to compute uncertainty and just gave me an answer, my priority was Scorching bay. 

This little place had captured my heart 3 years earlier and I had been vowing to make it back ever since, only it's not simple, a bus ride won't get you there unless you're going in the evening, and then there's no way to get back. My hosts had offered to take me on Saturday but I already had ideas for Saturday and quite honestly, after 3 years it was something I wanted to do by myself. 

I looked at the bus to Miramar, the peninsular that scorching bay sits on, if I took the bus there, walked to Scorching bay, had lunch, and took the same bus back, I could stop in Kilbirnie on the way home, walk up the hill to Newtown to take photos, back down, buy groceries and take the bus home, it seemed a flawless plan while the weather was still pleasent enough and I was sure I could fit all that into one afternoon, I already had plans for the evening and as I was sitting, fretting, it had already reached midday. Furthermore, if I went today, I could politely tell my hosts I had grasped the opportunity to go while the weather was good and free up my Saturday, and it had been that simple.

Rhyannon Jordan, I love you. 

I marched myself out of the appartment and called the lift, then I almost screamed. The lift was dressed up as a witch, the doors had opened and there it was, wearing a long black cape. I amost ran back inside. I had to walk away and ready myself before I called the lift again. For reasons I later learned, the lift had been kitted out with weird black curtains covering the walls, it was eerie (and no doubt totally benign to normal folk). 

I marched myself onto a bus to Miramar and asked the driver to let me know when we got there, the bus drivers so far have been very friendly and understanding and for that I am eternally grateful.

In the end I went to Scorching bay, I had lunch, I walked along the coast and back to the bus, I bought groceries but did not climb the hill to Newtown. I did a lot, so much so, that it'll need it's own blog post. 

I found the best place on earth. 

Just a quick update. (May contain self pity)

Okay, so I haven't written because I've been miserable, and that doesn't make for good writing or for good reading, but I wanted to keep people in the loop. I'm not strugging with massive demons, I'm just really bloody lonely and there are only so many shop assisants I can talk at before word gets out and they start avoiding me. I did however, have a very good day on Monday, after the cinema I went in search of tea shops and discovered T2, which is a kind of Davidstea from Australia, we have them in britain too, I've just never been into one. That are very impressive, I think the adrenalin of finding so much tea and the actual caffine boost of trying so much tea made me a bit overwhelmed. That night I went to the circus, (La Verità, beautiful, contemporary circus) and it wasn't bad, though a little busy for my taste, too much going on at once. However,I made   friends with the woman sat beside me who was very interesting, I may see her again as she offered me a lift to Otari-Wiltons bush this evening for a light show, but I don't know yet. Then Tuesday (yesterday) I met a friend for lunch, the first host I had in Wellington (2013) who I feel lucky to have stayed in contact with. Went into various shops, just trapsed, felt rather deflated despite managing to actually get out of the house, went to the museum but couldn't focus, came back, had a bit to eat then headed out to the 'dingle' (well, session on at the welsh bar), as I walked out of the apartment door I did a U-turn and walked straight back in, I had to give myself a fair pep talk before I felt confident enough to venture out and go to the session, only I didn't enjoy it, I was on the outside, in a bar full of people with not a single person to talk to or instrument to play, I wrote a bit, drew a bit, drank my ginger beer, reflected on how, like two years ago at the outdoor cinema, it was okay to concede defeat when you realised that you didn't want to do something because you just didn't like it. That as long as you don't let fear hold you back, once you've conquered that fear, it's fine to say "tits to this, I'm out of here suckers" or words to that effect. Not everything is about forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do, not everything is about inner demons, sometimes you're just cold or lonely or bored and you decide to leave. Though I'd missed my chance to sneak off to the cinema so I stayed a while for the hell of it. I walked back along courtney place, the centre of Wellington's night life and bar culture (and very close to where I'm staying) and watched all the happy people with other happy people so I walked past my apartment and out to the waterfront where I stared out into the vast, dark, sea and the distant lights of the city like some walking cliche of angst. Ughh, yeah, that's me, looking out at those cold lonely waves, black and turbulent, it's was like looking to a mirror, like looking into the depths of my soul... Ah f*ck off internal dialogue.  But I still haven't shaken that feeling off, now, on Wednesday morning I'm feeling sorry for myself, and then I'm like 'Hey you're in the best place on earth' and then I'm feeling dismal at my inability to appreciate my surroundings, and I'm an awful person then, and my guilt reaches up and knocks me over the head and I should be donating my body to starving orphans or something. Anyway, so, my thoughts are not concise and neat, I don't think I'm doing a great job conveying my feelings and to add to that it's 11.40 now and I still haven't got out, oh joy, more self imposed restrictions, more shame. I didn't keep to the plan mum, I screwed up. 

So this is why sometimes I stop writing, and I need to stop sometimes because my narrative has to be good, even at the depths of dispair, I can write about how awful I feel but this, this is a far poorer narrative, it's hardly even a thread of sense, it's a ramble, and I don't want to ramble, so I hope you'll forgive me for my lack of updates, normal service will resume when I am either euphoric or full of pain, because this, this watery self pity isn't woth either of our time.

T2

Poor man's dingle

Mahana

So I went to the cinema, as I said, and now I feel better, actually a bit giddy but that's beside the point. 

I went to see a film called Mahana which I think is going to be released under the alternative title 'The Patriarch' elsewhere. I literally have no words to convey the depths of emotion I felt this film touches. I have rarely felt so desperately pulled in by a film, one scene in particular was so incredibley emotion wrenching, I honestly think it's creation is paramount to genius. I wish I had someone to discuss it with, I wish I had dragged someone else along to the cinema, I wish I had someone to drag. I don't like emotional films believe it or not, I don't need more emotion. Nor do I like films set in the past, the past always seems to be filled with such cruelty and injustice, I can hardly bear to watch. This film was both of these things and yet so subtle and beautiful that I am truely glad I put these concerns aside. It is a deeply cultural film set against the backdrop of Maori family life, I feel privileged to have had the chance to watch it. 

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt4424228/

 

Baptism of fire

Ah. 

So.. 

Right, well... 

I managed to leave the apartment at 12.35pm more or less, only last night when I got back from my Zealandia tour, I was locked out, key wouldn't work, had to go outside and dial up to the apartment to be let in. So I left the apartment just now, and I'm locked out again. I guess that answers that question doesn't it. I'll just have to cope. I'm going to the cinema. 

Oh what now?

It's 11.20am, I still haven't got out of the house, I have been up since before 6am but I can't get out. It's funny how inexplicable anxiety is, how do I put into words something I really can't begin to understand myself? All I know is yesterday I could go out, though I felt anxious, today I feel like my chest is full of rocks and I can't leave the appartment. The knowledge that should spur me on, that I have so little time here and so much to do, does little to quiet this anxiety, it raises it to a cacophony of troubles, and it feels like it's bearing down on me. I know this happens, I know this always happens but it feels a blow. I know I'll get out in the end, but the knowledge that Wellington is just passing me by outside and my brief time here is being wasted makes me want to cry. I feel like a machine that cannot process the command to leave, it does not compute, my being able to go outside and get on with doing things, I feel like I have frozen, my system in lockdown. I feel hard done by quite honestly, I feel like life has dealt me a card I don't want, I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and the focus is always on what I CAN do, and what I SHOULD do, and rarely on what I want to do... what DO I want to do? I think more than anything I want life to be more flexible; Can't go out today? It's okay, Wellington's not going anywhere! Want do do 100 things at 2am? That's fine, we'll just stick more hours in the day for you! Not in the right frame of mind to be an adult at the moment? That's alright, the world needs more kids! What on earth do I do with this feeling? I feel some small pathetic misery, a heavy fear settled in my chest, a roaring injustice. I need a pause button on life for when anxiety strikes because there are few things that make me feel just as pitifully helpless as watching time slipping by and not being able to engage. 

Welcome to Wellington!!

Today had bowled me over. If there's only one place in the world you set your sights on visiting then it should be Wellington. I mean, yes, I'm pretty biased, it was already in my favour, but wow, just, wow. 

I got up and it was hot, I mean 25 degrees hot, sunny as anything and I knew the first thing I needed to do was get some sun cream. I slept fine by the way, all my plans for what I would do when jetlag struck at 4am were forgotten as I slept right through near enough (though I did have a dream that tiny people stole my furniture and woke with a start at some ridiculous hour, I went back to sleep and all was well). So I went shopping and bought sun cream, groceries, nail clippers, boring stuff and to be honest it wasn't the most exciting grocery trip, new world is not my favourite supermarket. Anyway, I walked home and facetimed my beautiful, clever, funny, talented mother, all because I could, and what a laugh we had (I sang to the cats from 11,000 miles away, thanks technology!) and then I went out. I was not prepared. Wellington on a scorching sunday, late summer is a marvel. As I walked out to the waterfront, there was an explosion of colour, music and culture. I cannot make it sound any less fantastical than it was, there were people diving into the water from that ridiculous construction that looms out of the water like a crane, bagpipes playing by the farmers market, tents galore, drums beating and chinese dragons parading around. Students were gathered in big groups, the dragon boat festival was underway with collage teams gathered, taking to the water. I walked past it all in wonder, cicadas were doing  their bit too, there was almost more than I could take in. I wandered down to the NZ festival box office and bought tickets for a contemporary circus show tomorrow evening and when I doubled back, the crowds had gathered and the teams were engaging in a "chant-off" which even segued into a haka from one team. I was blown away by the beauty and culture of my tiny little piece of perfection, so far away from my roots by so close to my heart.

I perused the shops, chatted to people, booked a zealandia nature reserve night tour (this evening, while it is still dry) and checked the cinema times as well as walking down oriental parade to see the swimmers. I even, EVEN plucked up the courage to go into the welsh bar, and found that they host an accoustic session on a tuesday evening!! So I may go and dingle after all. 

Now I am going to drink my tea, eat my noodles and go looking for wildlife. I love you Wellington. 

Lions and Tigers and Bears... Oh my!

There was a bit of a misunderstanding, at least On my end. On sunday morning I had a breakdown and instead of writing the ugly things I felt inside, I posted a passage from Figt Club, one of my favourite books. It was pushing the bounds of honesty and I thought everyone had politely ignored it. I have appologised several times but no one has acknowleged it. Well that's because it didn't publish. Still, I felt that as honesty goes, it should still be up there. I have decided to post it and it should apear above this post;  today's post. Still, feel free to politely ignore it! 

Monday morning. I know am running behind, also, I feel I owe some people an explanation and an apology. When I say I can't do one thing or another, I'm not putting myself down, I'm just stating a fact. I really am finding it so much harder to do all these things -write, play, (god forbid) draw- than I used to, so when I say I can't do it, I'm being honest, not criticising myself. I think a part of it is that I'm struggling with some demons I haven't identified yet, angry serpent-like things that are making me feel a lot of anger. I can't tell where they're coming from or what purpose they serve. Yesterday I had a gutteral rage that i couldn't find an outlet for, I'm sorry that I felt the need to express it here. I know it may have been unfair of me, but I like to belive that this blog is about a whole person and a whole experience and I do have a lot of ugly feelings inside me. 

Thank you to all the kind people who stick with me and write such kind things. You are honarary family, you have shown a kindness I find baffling and touching as it exceeds what I expect from people. 

I really do feel like I'm losing something, but I hope I'm just mislaying it. It's easy to see the bad things, they're louder than the simple moments of happiness that weave themselves into our day. I have seen and done the most delightful and wonderful things here, I've met strangers who needed somone to talk to, I've done things I never thought I'd get to do, and found amazing simple pleasures, perfect moments. ...however I have wrestled with feelings that are not new to me, but still continue to confound me each time they arise. I don't want them and they're not welcome. A better way to live would be to simply observe these feelings without judging them, to watch as they come and go without giving them power. Yeah, I know the drill, but I can't do it. Yet. 

So what have I done since the last time I really wrote? I've been to the zoo and fed the Lions, I've (shhh, it's a secret) been in the serval enclosure and petted the servals, I've been back to Ninjaflower (Wellington's best piercing studio) and had a few ear piercings, I've been to see beyond (a modern circus act) in the opera house, I've been back to Ninjaflower for photos of my piercinngs (to go in their portfolios), I've been to Zealandia (Wellington's nature reserve) in the sunny sunny daytime, I've had mighty tantrums inside and done some major sulking, I've been to see the Hobbit again (3D, 48fps, Atmos sound) and made up with my inner nerd, I've met up with some women who share in a hobby with me, I've talked a lot! I've had minor breakdowns, that felt like the end of the world when they happened. I've said some things here that were maybe too honest. I've been back to the zoo a 3rd time and gone behind the scenes with one of the keepers to meet their tiger, I have been snubbed and ignored by a tiger! I have met sun bears instead, and watched them go through their training and health checks, I have fed bears jam off a spoon. 

I have been on a night tour of Zealandia and been caught in a downpour in the forest valley for 2 hours; the tail end of Cyclone Lusi. I have seen a Kiwi roaming, I have seen a wild Eel, Wetas and Tuis and Bellbirds, I have seen Tuatara and Glowworms so beautiful they hurt to watch. 

I have had to wear flipflops and keep all my drippy, soaked through clothes in plastic bags.  

I have walked Cuba street and the waterfront and met many strangers who wanted someone to tell their story to, I met Terry who had brain damage but remembers 'gale and angela' and remembered his father the moment he heard him speak, I have met the woman who usually cooks but decided to get her friend a takeaway, I have met the man who is south african but lives in New zealand, who just got a new job.

I have drank ginger beer in the sun, and eaten in the museum garden, and searched for pebbles under a bridge. 

Lastly, I have flown away, leaving Wellington behind and arriving in Auckland with it's summer breezes, and Cicadas and sunshine in the day, and it's crickets by night. I have eaten warm Pumkin soup in a mug and gotten very sleepy. 

Now you have got as far as I have. What will tomorrow be made of? I don't know, good things and peace I hope. 

Night night xx 

Films by starlight

There seems to be a lot of confusion about when I did what and what I've already done, so from now on I'll add the names of the days, and for anyone who doesn't know, New Zealand is 13 hours ahead of Britian, which basically means that when you get up on Friday morning, I'm about to go to bed friday night. 

Thank you everyone who comments, it's so kind of everyone to be so supportive. 

So the day I wrote about the last night, where I went to the Zoo, that was wednesday. Wednesday evening was amazing, I learn a real lesson. Where I am staying is Oriental Parade, across from Waitangi Park, one of Wellington's main central parks. Over the summer the park has been host to several 'films by starlight' events where the are food and drink stalls, a huge inflatable screen is erected and anyone can go sit in the park at dusk and watch one of the carefully selected films. They have had some wonderful choices including, The princess bride, Despicable me and Spirited away. On Wednesday night, they were playing one of my all time very favourite films (a film that if you haven't seen, I implore you to watch) Moonrise Kindom (Although not a children's film, it follows the story of two troubled children living on a small new england island who meet and plan to run away together. It's quirky with an interesting sense of humour, a fantastic cast, a wonderful backdrop and best of all, scouts!) 

I decided to go and crossed the road to the park, I was there for 5 minutes max before I decided I was too cold (read: SCARED) to stay. I came home. 

I told myself it wasn't fate that my favourite film was playing across the road, I told myself it wasn't destiny and it wasn't there to test me. I lied to myself to try to make myself feel better. The truth is, it wasn't fate or destiny, I had chosen to stay in the center of the city, and it was one of a selection of well chosen films. However, I was lying when when I told myself it wasn't a test. Maybe god or the universe were not testing me, but I was certainly testing myself and I was failing miserably. So I pulled my scratchy thermals over my sunburn (don't bring it up, I'm wearing suncream now), pulled another two layers over the top, and my snuggliest hat and scarf (I'd only packed for warm weather, it's lighter), I filled a hot water bottle and fetched another to sit on. I swallowed a spoonful of man the hell up and I walked back over to the park. I found a place to sit and waited a while. The film started and I felt so good that I had persevered! I waited 10 minutes and went home, I was cold and scratchy and uncomfortable. 

I passed the test because I knew when I was giving up out of fear and I found a way through. I passed the test because I didn't give up because I was scared. It didn't matter if I changed my mind and went home anyway (I was BLOODY FREEZING!), what matters is that I didn't let my fear stop me, I did what I felt I needed, no, wanted to do and I passed the test. Then I got extra marks for  knowing when to give up. For recognising when I was no longer giving up out of fear and for realising 'actually, I'm just not enjoying this!'. 

You see, I learnt recently that fear doesn't just stop me doing what I want to do, it also causes me to do all sorts of things that I don't really want to do too. 

When I booked this trip, I felt so bad that I wasn't going for 6 months or a year like most people seem to. I said to my (lovely) Mother "I feel so bad, I am too scared to go for 6 months!" And Mum said "do you want to go for 6 months?" To which I replied "OF COURSE NOT! That's what makes it so scary!" 

In my effort to overcome and conquer every possible fear in my life, I sometimes forget to check whether the reason I'm scared isn't just because it's not something I want. It's confusing, but sometimes I do things because I think I should overcome my fear of them, without checking whether I actually want to do them first. 

Sometimes I can't tell whether I want todo  something until I've pushed through my fear and sometimes even then I can't tell, but it's something I need to be aware of, that my fear definitely clouds my judgement, and not always in thw way I expect it to. 

I am very lucky that I have such wonderful people around me, and that I am learning things all the time. Anyone who remembers my resent trip to Sweden will know I had a pretty tough day where I was too scared to leave the appartment, but that day taught me more than I ever realised. Sometimes, enjoying things isn't about forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do! Although that's a concept I find hard to wrap my tiny mind around, I'm now learning that being happiness is actually less about making yourself suffer and more about being happy... Who knew? 

That was Wednesday, we've still got Thursay to go since it's Friday now and I had many adventures in between! 

We're all going to the zoo tomorrow...

Well it's been 2 days since I wrote, so I better get you up to speed! As it happens, we're not all going to the zoo tomorrow, sorry to disapoint. After my last blog post, I went home and read until I finally finished my long standing love affair with Sookie Stackhouse, it has taken a while but I finally read the last book in this ongoing series of guilty pleasures (A fact I'm telling you because I'm still grieving the end of our relationship). For those of you who are wondering, I am now entertaining the likes of Tyler Durden, Fight Club is a must read in my humble opinion. 

I took a Temazepam before bed since I just wasn't sleepinging properly up to this point (no one mention red bull, I wouldn't drink it unless I knew how it would affect me) so I thought a temazepam (prescribed for my bad sleep and nightmares) would help. And so it did! I slept right through to 9.30am and I felt better. Nightmares do terrible things to yours sleep, it's amazing what a night free of fear can do.

Since I could feel the effects of my good sleep wearing off and it was overcast again, I didn't want to waste the day so I took decisive action and caught a bus to Lyall bay, where I had stayed for a while last year (anyone remember my love affair with burmese beauty Rosie?). Lyall bay has houses, a beach and not that much more! What it does have is a deli. The most beautiful deli, inside and out! I didn't get a chance to visit the deli last year, since I kept setting off before it was open, and comeing home after it was shut, I decided it was finally time to try that deli. I had brunch, a mozzarella, tomato and olive toastie, though I don't like tomatoes or olives (or capers for that matter, it had capers too) but I ate it and felt very grown up about it too! (Is that what I think grown ups do? Eat things they don't like?? A question to explore another time!) 

After my 'Mmmmm' brunch (is that a good Mmmm or a bad Mmmm?) I set off to walk over the tallest hill in the whole world! (A regular size hill, Wellington is all hills) I will add some photos at the end, when you see the teeny tiny houses in them, remember that's where I started off. Lyall bay and Kilbirnie are both tha same side of a big hill, on the other side is Newtown park. You can go round the hill by bus, but I had decided to walk the big silly thing. It was like slaying a dragon in case you need something to compare it to, like slaying a really big, hilly, scorching hot, noisy, dragon. These hills are the kind that are steep and have zig zaggy roads going up them, last year my host laughed at me for calling the hills wiggly slopes or windy slopes, apparently most people just call them hills. 

Suddenly, climbing the wiggly slope, I could hear cicadas again and birds too! I had missed them so much as they'd stoped in the city due to the clouds, but in the trees they were still singing. Then I heard my first Tui of the trip! Tui's are a magnificant NZ bird, they sound like a combination of panpipes, and an animal being murdered. The first time I ever heard one I spent half an hour searching for the source of the strangled sounds and almost phoned the police! I love them, they are quintessentially new zealandish (not a word, AGAIN! I'm tired.) and make me dreadfully happy! 

I crossed the epic hill and reached the zoo where I imediately gave in to all my impulses and booked an encounter... Surprise surprise. But not like a sensible person would imagine, I booked it for THE NEXT DAY. Yes, you heard right, I went to the zoo, and then booked to go to the zoo again the next day. If I'd done it online, I could have gone on the day of the encounter, stayed all day and got free admission, but nooo, I did exactly what I did last year, and booked the encounter on a different day so I would have to go back, and pay for the first day too. 

Anyway, I had a splendid day at the zoo, looking at animals and the like. I then walked over the wiggly dragon again and this time to Kilbirnie so I could go to a better supermarket. Countdown sells the mango I like, New world does not. 

The  I took the bus back. How clever I thought I was, saving a doller and 50 cents (turns out I wasn't) by taking the bus from Kilbirnie instead of the zoo. 

In the evening I had some big fish to fry! But my neck hurts so I'm going to publish this and split the rest into 2 more posts. PHOTO TIME! 

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away..

Well.. Not exactly, but you get the gist and it seemed like a pretty good title. Yesterday morning I woke at 5am, the night before I had suffered a bit of an accomodation mix up which led to my host calling my Mum... in Wales. As you can imagine it totally didn't help me get into my house and let to me sitting outside and then dragging my luggage around the supermarket hoping someone would let me in when I got back. Anyway, needless to say I got in, felt all "oh why on earth did I come here? Do I even like New Zealand? Am I mad? I want to go hoooome" etc etc and went to be at a goodly hour. 

Then as I said, I got up at 5am yesterday,  wrote many important emails and sorted out many important things (not that many) and lay in bed reading. 

I got up and out at around 8am, wantered around the waterfront and the museum garden, and while I was busy wasting my day away I got a very important email. I arranged to meet a friend, a wonderful woman who hosted me in Wellington last year, for lunch at 12pm. After several long and grueling hours which made me question whether time mo es slower in NZ, it was finally time to go. I have to say I had a lovely lunch (Halloumi and walnut salad) an even lovelier waterfront walk with Sara and we talked about many things (cats mostly as it goes... Actually, not that many things, it really was cats cats cats..)

and I can still feel myself glowing with respect for this woman who I have a lot of time for, she has showed me a lot of kindness. 

Later I walked Cuba street, Wellington's central yet quirky street of boutiques, cafes and more. 

Lastly I stopped off and boucht myself a ticket for the evening's showing of the Hobbit: the desolation of my childhood hopes and dreams (at least I think that's what it's called) in 3D, 48FPS, Blow out your eardrums Dolby digital atmos (I have to admit, it blows out your mind too) at 8:30pm. Then I went home and read until it 'was TIME'. 

I think I watched about half an hour of the film, half a stomach churning, magical, topsy turvy hour where I literally almost climbed over the seats behind me in an attempt to get away from the spiders. Let me make this clear, I have seen this film twice already in 3D, 48FPS and DD Atmos make ALL the difference. May have been one of the most goosebumpy films I've ever watched. However I conceded after 30 minuted of internal struggling that I was clearly too tired to sit in a cinema until 11.30, and just got up and left, despite my inner nerd screaming "this is the only chance you will ever get to watch this film, in this format, in this cinema... If you walk out I'll disown you!"... But I did. 

Then I spoilt the affect if my frankly very mature decision by chatting to the girl behind the counter for a further half an hour or more. Oh well, I take my pride where I can get it... HEY GUYS! I spoke to a person, a HUMAN person! Eh, eh.. 

Anyway, to conclude, I slept terribley last night, my OCD is of the chart and I'm living off crackers despite buying my own cultlery and a bowl I can't eat in the house. I'm scared of the shower, I'm scared of my bed, I'm scared of the carpet. Today is overcast, I'm scared of clouds. I can't stop shaking, I've been shaking for hours. I'm falling asleep because that's one of the things I do when I'm really stressed, I shut down. 

I beed a cat, I'm not even kidding, somone find me a cat. 

I'm aching so much from shaking. 

I've been up since 6am but couldn't leave the house 'til 11. 

I hate me. I want to be someone else. 

Life is a mixed bag.

Come on grab your friends, we're going to very distant lands...

Okay, new itinerary! I did spend a while on it only to look at last year's itinerary and realise it was a much more sensible format! Oh well, it'll at least give you something to puzzle over!

Just in case puzzling isn't your style, I'll type a quick itinerary below. 

At this point I'm actually excited but still sticking my head in the sand so I don't have the worries of buying cat food or travel insurance, let's just leave those to a last minute panic! As our old pal Pinkie Pie would say, I'm nervouscited, which at this point is a huge upgrade from my usual state of pre travel terror. I don't usually do excitement, I usually worry and tell myself I'll be excited when I've finished worrying (a trick that never works), travel is usually an exclusively terrifying ordeal (which brings me to another point which will need a whole other blog post!) with no excitement whatsoever! 

Anyway, without further ado, here is my itinerary! 

Fly from London - 7th March

Arrive Wellington - 9th March

Leave Wellington for Auckland -17th of March

Move from Auckland suburbs to city centre - 20th March

Fly to Sydney - 23rd March

Fly to Melbourne - 27th March 

Fly home - 1st April

Arrive home - 2nd of April

My Layovers are in Singapore which is a fantastic airport sporting a butterfly garden, cinema, koi pond, and apparently the biggest slide in any airport in the world... So they say. 

Are you thinking that you know someone who went to Australia, they went out there and worked or cleaned a hostel and they stayed 6 months or a year, they made so many friends out there, they came home a different person, full of confidence and with friends for life. Are you wondering why I'm only going for 9 days? Well that's because I'm not that person who goes for 6 months and cleans hostels and makes magical friendships, I'm just doing the best I can and I feel ashamed I'm not that person but I'm really not. I'm the person who can't catch a bus into town anymore, I'm the person who is scared of loud noises, open spaces, the cold, the wind, the rain, buses, heavy doors, you name it. So 9 days is better than nothing because I really could be doing nothing, it would be so much easier, but I'm not, I'm doing this. 

Anyway, I hope you didn't think I was moaning or ranting, I wasn't, that's called honesty. 

More to come, have a great day! 

Home.

I will not reflect on what it's like being home, there has been no shortage of bad news. But I will say I truly knew I was home when Marla crashed into my room this morning with no thought of my jet lag and scratched at my face until I let her in my bed. Apparently I slept through her crying by my door which is a small mercy. I was overjoyed. May she crash into my room and scratch my face EVERY morning, I feel blessed!
New Zealand was a wonderful experience omitting and ignoring all the parts I didn't enjoy! (isn't that what we do?) I am home and ready to put on my rose tinted goggles and daydream about how much better it is over on the other side of the world. I jest, but in honesty, I don't know how I could have coped with the feeling of being torn in two directions I felt at leaving Wellington if I hadn't promised myself I would go back soon. Because now I am home I can admit, I had grown rather fond of Wellington, and I don't admit that lightly. It takes a lot for me to say that, just typing it makes me feel vulnerable, like admitting I may actually like something will see it torn away from me at the first opportunity. There are things I want to do now I'm back in Britain, but you will have to wait for those. Which brings me to point two, my Blog, if there are those among you who would keep reading, I will keep writing. I can't guarantee it will be full of the exciting lion taming and bus catching thrills of my experience in New Zealand, but I find I have a lot to say (who knew!!) so I have an outlet to document, question, analyse and proclaim the events and thoughts of my everyday life, which I hope will only grow from here. I am already planning future travels, and I promise if things get boring I will throw in a car chase or mud wrestle to keep everyone sweet. How does that sound? I I will stay, if you'll have me?
Hope you are all well, believe it or not, I have a lot of love for those wonderful people who have kept me going with their comments since I've been away, you don't know how many times you guys have brightened my day or pulled me out of the gloom. I love you all, each one of you!!
Now listening to: Fleetwood Mac - Rumours. (I know all these songs? Was I brainwashed subconsciously as a child?!)

What was I doing on the 14th? Funny you should ask...

On the 14th I was so darn excited about what I had done that day, I was too excited to write a post on it!
So on the 14th, I went to Wellington Zoo, I fed the Lions, and then met the Cheetahs. I can't put into words how amazing it was, especially the Lions, so I will just have to show you the photos.

The world is not in your books and maps, it's out there.

It's hard to watch my very favourite story unfold and not find myself drawn to the words within it that seem to strike to the heart of many of the issues I face. How am I not to fill with tears and a little guilt when Gandalf urges Bilbo to go out and live his life, when I hide behind my fears so readily. I would sooner read a hundred books, study maps and learn pieces of new languages than step outside for a moment to experience the world that created them.
Watching the Hobbit yesterday I felt particularly like I was being targeted when Gandalf says to Bilbo: "You'll have a tale or two to tell when you come back."
"Can you promise that I will come back?" Asks bilbo,
To which Gandalf replies: "No, and if you do, you will not be the same."
How could such lines not strike such a chord when I am sitting, 11,000 miles away from all that I love, knowing I heard those very words from a hundred people before I left. I was saving this post for my return, but I will admit now that I am still the same. This trip hasn't made me stronger, braver, happier. It hasn't "made me into a woman" nor has it made me fall in love with New Zealand (although I may have a little crush on Wellington, don't tell anyone!). But I can't say nothing has happened. This trip has made me aware, that in my most humble opinion, I won't ever change or find what I'm looking for until I learn to let go of my fears. I will always have unreasonable expectations and will move my boundaries to make sure nothing ever meets them, because I couldn't dare let my guard down. I know now too that I am still to afraid to really enjoy things in the way that other people seem to. The best experiences become nightmares when I suddenly panic over what could happen back home, or weather I even HAVE a home anymore. And when I do feel happy, it feels so fragile and I know any moment I could be crying over spilt milk. Lastly, and I hate to admit to this one, I feel lonely, I just don't feel right on my own. I don't know yet whether I will grow out of it, or whether I will always need someone to share things with, but at this time in my life, I do. This trip has been amazing. Not always happy, in fact I think I may have cried every day bar two, but I am adult enough to see adventures are not all good, and the line between great and terrible is very fine. It HAS been an amazing trip, but the next one will be better, because now I know more about ME, and where I need to change. (But not how quite yet.)
I did see the Hobbit in the Embassy Theatre, where the world premier took place, I did see it in 48fps, and I will see it again if there is any way to; it is MY trip and if I want to be a nerd then I will!!
It was glorious I am happy to announce and I look forward to it's release on DVD next month.
I will leave you with this most wonderfully quaint yet sincere quote from The Hobbit,
"Bilbo had many hardships and adventures before he got back. The wild was still the wild."

He's the top of the west, always cool, he's the best...

So what did I do today? Washed my hair and my clothes, much to my delight, drying them in the dryer (my clothes not my hair!). I then took the bus into town and bought two cinema tickets, for today and tomorrow. Then I went to the museum, Te Papa. Guess what they've got in the museum in Wellington...
Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni! Yes! That's right!
Only I'm not a big fan of the 'Colossal Squid', I'm an Architeuthis girl through and through. I only had time to look at one of the exhibitions in the museum as I had to be back at the cinema, to see my film. Armed with a posh ginger beer in a glass bottle and a bag of Skittles, I settled into my seat in the Embassy theatre, the classiest building I've ever been in. Comfy leather seats and armrests, wooden cup holders, and immaculately clean. It is a cinema where you can order food from the restaurant or drinks from the bar, and have them delivered to your seat. It is the cinema the Hobbit World premier was held in. I was in heaven. I found the experience so wonderful in fact, that I started falling asleep halfway through Django Unchained (my third viewing of the masterpiece!) I fought my dreams off for the rest of the film, often missing sections of 2 or 3 minutes. My eyes burned. It was an epic struggle much akin to Django's struggle in the film. I successfully saw the end of the film through, just staying awake for my favourite song, and then crawled to the bus home, which went without incident. Once I got home I toyed with walking the long walk to where I was staying before and the supermarket but my host assured me it was further and I thought and I should go for a walk on the seafront. I don't like beaches (not to be mistaken with beeches, which I LOVE!) and it turns out, I don't like beaches even when they're the other side of the world. So I decided I would see how far I could walk before I had to stop. I walked to the supermarket after all, and was disappointed to remember I had only a little money as I hadn't planned on going. So I bought myself 2 packets of dried mango and dragged myself home (it was that windy). I took a chance on some green mango too this time and it is all gone! Oh well! Tomorrow I will walk back and get some proper shopping on my way back from Wellington proper. I must admit, I quite like it 'here'... (Shhh, Don't tell anyone, it'll spoil my pessimistic reputation!)

And breath...

So I am in Wellington again! Considering I spent a large section of my time in Wellington fretting, you might wonder how I feel being here for the second time in as many weeks... SO RELIEVED!
I am very happy with where I am staying! It is in a nice location and there are buses here throughout the day, I am only a few minutes walk from the sea. Coincidentally if I walked up the road I am on, and kept following it, I could walk both to the zoo, and to the last place I stayed in Wellington! It is raining and I am exhausted to bits, but if that's all I have to complain about then I am lucky indeed! I have booked a flight back to Christchurch from here, as that is where I will be flying home from, and it was cheaper to fly than take the coach/ferry AGAIN! I am in bed with a hot water bottle, I had Dinosaur pasta for tea, I have my own bathroom again. What's not to smile about. If only my favourite people were here to enjoy it with me, but I am happy to post something with less than my usual amount of moaning!
I hope you are all snug in your beds! Don't get up today, have a lie in... ALL DAY! Make sure to watch Lord of the rings and eat Pumpkin soup. You can eat a whole cake for dinner, don't feel guilty, blame me. Have lovely days the lot of you!
Tomorrow I may do no more than wash my hair, but I may do much more! I have no idea, it mostly depends on the weather. I with you all lots of love, xx