Oh what now?

It's 11.20am, I still haven't got out of the house, I have been up since before 6am but I can't get out. It's funny how inexplicable anxiety is, how do I put into words something I really can't begin to understand myself? All I know is yesterday I could go out, though I felt anxious, today I feel like my chest is full of rocks and I can't leave the appartment. The knowledge that should spur me on, that I have so little time here and so much to do, does little to quiet this anxiety, it raises it to a cacophony of troubles, and it feels like it's bearing down on me. I know this happens, I know this always happens but it feels a blow. I know I'll get out in the end, but the knowledge that Wellington is just passing me by outside and my brief time here is being wasted makes me want to cry. I feel like a machine that cannot process the command to leave, it does not compute, my being able to go outside and get on with doing things, I feel like I have frozen, my system in lockdown. I feel hard done by quite honestly, I feel like life has dealt me a card I don't want, I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and the focus is always on what I CAN do, and what I SHOULD do, and rarely on what I want to do... what DO I want to do? I think more than anything I want life to be more flexible; Can't go out today? It's okay, Wellington's not going anywhere! Want do do 100 things at 2am? That's fine, we'll just stick more hours in the day for you! Not in the right frame of mind to be an adult at the moment? That's alright, the world needs more kids! What on earth do I do with this feeling? I feel some small pathetic misery, a heavy fear settled in my chest, a roaring injustice. I need a pause button on life for when anxiety strikes because there are few things that make me feel just as pitifully helpless as watching time slipping by and not being able to engage.