My time in Sydney.

The last few days I have done the following: 

- Taronga zoo

- Cinema to see Zootopia 

- Got very wet

- Walked quite a lot

- World's worst cat cafe

- N2 (liquid nitrogen) ice cream

- Met up with my friend Luke

- Bough my teaware (expect photos) 

I think that's it, I've not done everything I'd planned to, but it rained quite a lot and I sort of kept running out of time. 

I'm not happy, I'm surviving, that is my goal, just to get through it all. Sometimes something is nice, like the sun today, but I'm quite focused on getting home now and that's my right, to feel that way. I don't have to like everything, I can hate the whole holiday if I want and not learn a single lesson from it to boot. But that's not the case, I am growing a lot as this is a challenge and it takes a lot of skills to negotiate it emotionally, so it has great value, but I don't know if I'll return to Sydney, at least not for simple enjoyment.

I do have a day and a half left though and I'm certainly still open minded about enjoying myself.  

Mahana

So I went to the cinema, as I said, and now I feel better, actually a bit giddy but that's beside the point. 

I went to see a film called Mahana which I think is going to be released under the alternative title 'The Patriarch' elsewhere. I literally have no words to convey the depths of emotion I felt this film touches. I have rarely felt so desperately pulled in by a film, one scene in particular was so incredibley emotion wrenching, I honestly think it's creation is paramount to genius. I wish I had someone to discuss it with, I wish I had dragged someone else along to the cinema, I wish I had someone to drag. I don't like emotional films believe it or not, I don't need more emotion. Nor do I like films set in the past, the past always seems to be filled with such cruelty and injustice, I can hardly bear to watch. This film was both of these things and yet so subtle and beautiful that I am truely glad I put these concerns aside. It is a deeply cultural film set against the backdrop of Maori family life, I feel privileged to have had the chance to watch it. 

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt4424228/

 

Baptism of fire

Ah. 

So.. 

Right, well... 

I managed to leave the apartment at 12.35pm more or less, only last night when I got back from my Zealandia tour, I was locked out, key wouldn't work, had to go outside and dial up to the apartment to be let in. So I left the apartment just now, and I'm locked out again. I guess that answers that question doesn't it. I'll just have to cope. I'm going to the cinema. 

Lions and Tigers and Bears... Oh my!

There was a bit of a misunderstanding, at least On my end. On sunday morning I had a breakdown and instead of writing the ugly things I felt inside, I posted a passage from Figt Club, one of my favourite books. It was pushing the bounds of honesty and I thought everyone had politely ignored it. I have appologised several times but no one has acknowleged it. Well that's because it didn't publish. Still, I felt that as honesty goes, it should still be up there. I have decided to post it and it should apear above this post;  today's post. Still, feel free to politely ignore it! 

Monday morning. I know am running behind, also, I feel I owe some people an explanation and an apology. When I say I can't do one thing or another, I'm not putting myself down, I'm just stating a fact. I really am finding it so much harder to do all these things -write, play, (god forbid) draw- than I used to, so when I say I can't do it, I'm being honest, not criticising myself. I think a part of it is that I'm struggling with some demons I haven't identified yet, angry serpent-like things that are making me feel a lot of anger. I can't tell where they're coming from or what purpose they serve. Yesterday I had a gutteral rage that i couldn't find an outlet for, I'm sorry that I felt the need to express it here. I know it may have been unfair of me, but I like to belive that this blog is about a whole person and a whole experience and I do have a lot of ugly feelings inside me. 

Thank you to all the kind people who stick with me and write such kind things. You are honarary family, you have shown a kindness I find baffling and touching as it exceeds what I expect from people. 

I really do feel like I'm losing something, but I hope I'm just mislaying it. It's easy to see the bad things, they're louder than the simple moments of happiness that weave themselves into our day. I have seen and done the most delightful and wonderful things here, I've met strangers who needed somone to talk to, I've done things I never thought I'd get to do, and found amazing simple pleasures, perfect moments. ...however I have wrestled with feelings that are not new to me, but still continue to confound me each time they arise. I don't want them and they're not welcome. A better way to live would be to simply observe these feelings without judging them, to watch as they come and go without giving them power. Yeah, I know the drill, but I can't do it. Yet. 

So what have I done since the last time I really wrote? I've been to the zoo and fed the Lions, I've (shhh, it's a secret) been in the serval enclosure and petted the servals, I've been back to Ninjaflower (Wellington's best piercing studio) and had a few ear piercings, I've been to see beyond (a modern circus act) in the opera house, I've been back to Ninjaflower for photos of my piercinngs (to go in their portfolios), I've been to Zealandia (Wellington's nature reserve) in the sunny sunny daytime, I've had mighty tantrums inside and done some major sulking, I've been to see the Hobbit again (3D, 48fps, Atmos sound) and made up with my inner nerd, I've met up with some women who share in a hobby with me, I've talked a lot! I've had minor breakdowns, that felt like the end of the world when they happened. I've said some things here that were maybe too honest. I've been back to the zoo a 3rd time and gone behind the scenes with one of the keepers to meet their tiger, I have been snubbed and ignored by a tiger! I have met sun bears instead, and watched them go through their training and health checks, I have fed bears jam off a spoon. 

I have been on a night tour of Zealandia and been caught in a downpour in the forest valley for 2 hours; the tail end of Cyclone Lusi. I have seen a Kiwi roaming, I have seen a wild Eel, Wetas and Tuis and Bellbirds, I have seen Tuatara and Glowworms so beautiful they hurt to watch. 

I have had to wear flipflops and keep all my drippy, soaked through clothes in plastic bags.  

I have walked Cuba street and the waterfront and met many strangers who wanted someone to tell their story to, I met Terry who had brain damage but remembers 'gale and angela' and remembered his father the moment he heard him speak, I have met the woman who usually cooks but decided to get her friend a takeaway, I have met the man who is south african but lives in New zealand, who just got a new job.

I have drank ginger beer in the sun, and eaten in the museum garden, and searched for pebbles under a bridge. 

Lastly, I have flown away, leaving Wellington behind and arriving in Auckland with it's summer breezes, and Cicadas and sunshine in the day, and it's crickets by night. I have eaten warm Pumkin soup in a mug and gotten very sleepy. 

Now you have got as far as I have. What will tomorrow be made of? I don't know, good things and peace I hope. 

Night night xx 

Films by starlight

There seems to be a lot of confusion about when I did what and what I've already done, so from now on I'll add the names of the days, and for anyone who doesn't know, New Zealand is 13 hours ahead of Britian, which basically means that when you get up on Friday morning, I'm about to go to bed friday night. 

Thank you everyone who comments, it's so kind of everyone to be so supportive. 

So the day I wrote about the last night, where I went to the Zoo, that was wednesday. Wednesday evening was amazing, I learn a real lesson. Where I am staying is Oriental Parade, across from Waitangi Park, one of Wellington's main central parks. Over the summer the park has been host to several 'films by starlight' events where the are food and drink stalls, a huge inflatable screen is erected and anyone can go sit in the park at dusk and watch one of the carefully selected films. They have had some wonderful choices including, The princess bride, Despicable me and Spirited away. On Wednesday night, they were playing one of my all time very favourite films (a film that if you haven't seen, I implore you to watch) Moonrise Kindom (Although not a children's film, it follows the story of two troubled children living on a small new england island who meet and plan to run away together. It's quirky with an interesting sense of humour, a fantastic cast, a wonderful backdrop and best of all, scouts!) 

I decided to go and crossed the road to the park, I was there for 5 minutes max before I decided I was too cold (read: SCARED) to stay. I came home. 

I told myself it wasn't fate that my favourite film was playing across the road, I told myself it wasn't destiny and it wasn't there to test me. I lied to myself to try to make myself feel better. The truth is, it wasn't fate or destiny, I had chosen to stay in the center of the city, and it was one of a selection of well chosen films. However, I was lying when when I told myself it wasn't a test. Maybe god or the universe were not testing me, but I was certainly testing myself and I was failing miserably. So I pulled my scratchy thermals over my sunburn (don't bring it up, I'm wearing suncream now), pulled another two layers over the top, and my snuggliest hat and scarf (I'd only packed for warm weather, it's lighter), I filled a hot water bottle and fetched another to sit on. I swallowed a spoonful of man the hell up and I walked back over to the park. I found a place to sit and waited a while. The film started and I felt so good that I had persevered! I waited 10 minutes and went home, I was cold and scratchy and uncomfortable. 

I passed the test because I knew when I was giving up out of fear and I found a way through. I passed the test because I didn't give up because I was scared. It didn't matter if I changed my mind and went home anyway (I was BLOODY FREEZING!), what matters is that I didn't let my fear stop me, I did what I felt I needed, no, wanted to do and I passed the test. Then I got extra marks for  knowing when to give up. For recognising when I was no longer giving up out of fear and for realising 'actually, I'm just not enjoying this!'. 

You see, I learnt recently that fear doesn't just stop me doing what I want to do, it also causes me to do all sorts of things that I don't really want to do too. 

When I booked this trip, I felt so bad that I wasn't going for 6 months or a year like most people seem to. I said to my (lovely) Mother "I feel so bad, I am too scared to go for 6 months!" And Mum said "do you want to go for 6 months?" To which I replied "OF COURSE NOT! That's what makes it so scary!" 

In my effort to overcome and conquer every possible fear in my life, I sometimes forget to check whether the reason I'm scared isn't just because it's not something I want. It's confusing, but sometimes I do things because I think I should overcome my fear of them, without checking whether I actually want to do them first. 

Sometimes I can't tell whether I want todo  something until I've pushed through my fear and sometimes even then I can't tell, but it's something I need to be aware of, that my fear definitely clouds my judgement, and not always in thw way I expect it to. 

I am very lucky that I have such wonderful people around me, and that I am learning things all the time. Anyone who remembers my resent trip to Sweden will know I had a pretty tough day where I was too scared to leave the appartment, but that day taught me more than I ever realised. Sometimes, enjoying things isn't about forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do! Although that's a concept I find hard to wrap my tiny mind around, I'm now learning that being happiness is actually less about making yourself suffer and more about being happy... Who knew? 

That was Wednesday, we've still got Thursay to go since it's Friday now and I had many adventures in between! 

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away..

Well.. Not exactly, but you get the gist and it seemed like a pretty good title. Yesterday morning I woke at 5am, the night before I had suffered a bit of an accomodation mix up which led to my host calling my Mum... in Wales. As you can imagine it totally didn't help me get into my house and let to me sitting outside and then dragging my luggage around the supermarket hoping someone would let me in when I got back. Anyway, needless to say I got in, felt all "oh why on earth did I come here? Do I even like New Zealand? Am I mad? I want to go hoooome" etc etc and went to be at a goodly hour. 

Then as I said, I got up at 5am yesterday,  wrote many important emails and sorted out many important things (not that many) and lay in bed reading. 

I got up and out at around 8am, wantered around the waterfront and the museum garden, and while I was busy wasting my day away I got a very important email. I arranged to meet a friend, a wonderful woman who hosted me in Wellington last year, for lunch at 12pm. After several long and grueling hours which made me question whether time mo es slower in NZ, it was finally time to go. I have to say I had a lovely lunch (Halloumi and walnut salad) an even lovelier waterfront walk with Sara and we talked about many things (cats mostly as it goes... Actually, not that many things, it really was cats cats cats..)

and I can still feel myself glowing with respect for this woman who I have a lot of time for, she has showed me a lot of kindness. 

Later I walked Cuba street, Wellington's central yet quirky street of boutiques, cafes and more. 

Lastly I stopped off and boucht myself a ticket for the evening's showing of the Hobbit: the desolation of my childhood hopes and dreams (at least I think that's what it's called) in 3D, 48FPS, Blow out your eardrums Dolby digital atmos (I have to admit, it blows out your mind too) at 8:30pm. Then I went home and read until it 'was TIME'. 

I think I watched about half an hour of the film, half a stomach churning, magical, topsy turvy hour where I literally almost climbed over the seats behind me in an attempt to get away from the spiders. Let me make this clear, I have seen this film twice already in 3D, 48FPS and DD Atmos make ALL the difference. May have been one of the most goosebumpy films I've ever watched. However I conceded after 30 minuted of internal struggling that I was clearly too tired to sit in a cinema until 11.30, and just got up and left, despite my inner nerd screaming "this is the only chance you will ever get to watch this film, in this format, in this cinema... If you walk out I'll disown you!"... But I did. 

Then I spoilt the affect if my frankly very mature decision by chatting to the girl behind the counter for a further half an hour or more. Oh well, I take my pride where I can get it... HEY GUYS! I spoke to a person, a HUMAN person! Eh, eh.. 

Anyway, to conclude, I slept terribley last night, my OCD is of the chart and I'm living off crackers despite buying my own cultlery and a bowl I can't eat in the house. I'm scared of the shower, I'm scared of my bed, I'm scared of the carpet. Today is overcast, I'm scared of clouds. I can't stop shaking, I've been shaking for hours. I'm falling asleep because that's one of the things I do when I'm really stressed, I shut down. 

I beed a cat, I'm not even kidding, somone find me a cat. 

I'm aching so much from shaking. 

I've been up since 6am but couldn't leave the house 'til 11. 

I hate me. I want to be someone else. 

Life is a mixed bag.

He's the top of the west, always cool, he's the best...

So what did I do today? Washed my hair and my clothes, much to my delight, drying them in the dryer (my clothes not my hair!). I then took the bus into town and bought two cinema tickets, for today and tomorrow. Then I went to the museum, Te Papa. Guess what they've got in the museum in Wellington...
Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni! Yes! That's right!
Only I'm not a big fan of the 'Colossal Squid', I'm an Architeuthis girl through and through. I only had time to look at one of the exhibitions in the museum as I had to be back at the cinema, to see my film. Armed with a posh ginger beer in a glass bottle and a bag of Skittles, I settled into my seat in the Embassy theatre, the classiest building I've ever been in. Comfy leather seats and armrests, wooden cup holders, and immaculately clean. It is a cinema where you can order food from the restaurant or drinks from the bar, and have them delivered to your seat. It is the cinema the Hobbit World premier was held in. I was in heaven. I found the experience so wonderful in fact, that I started falling asleep halfway through Django Unchained (my third viewing of the masterpiece!) I fought my dreams off for the rest of the film, often missing sections of 2 or 3 minutes. My eyes burned. It was an epic struggle much akin to Django's struggle in the film. I successfully saw the end of the film through, just staying awake for my favourite song, and then crawled to the bus home, which went without incident. Once I got home I toyed with walking the long walk to where I was staying before and the supermarket but my host assured me it was further and I thought and I should go for a walk on the seafront. I don't like beaches (not to be mistaken with beeches, which I LOVE!) and it turns out, I don't like beaches even when they're the other side of the world. So I decided I would see how far I could walk before I had to stop. I walked to the supermarket after all, and was disappointed to remember I had only a little money as I hadn't planned on going. So I bought myself 2 packets of dried mango and dragged myself home (it was that windy). I took a chance on some green mango too this time and it is all gone! Oh well! Tomorrow I will walk back and get some proper shopping on my way back from Wellington proper. I must admit, I quite like it 'here'... (Shhh, Don't tell anyone, it'll spoil my pessimistic reputation!)