My time in Sydney.

The last few days I have done the following: 

- Taronga zoo

- Cinema to see Zootopia 

- Got very wet

- Walked quite a lot

- World's worst cat cafe

- N2 (liquid nitrogen) ice cream

- Met up with my friend Luke

- Bough my teaware (expect photos) 

I think that's it, I've not done everything I'd planned to, but it rained quite a lot and I sort of kept running out of time. 

I'm not happy, I'm surviving, that is my goal, just to get through it all. Sometimes something is nice, like the sun today, but I'm quite focused on getting home now and that's my right, to feel that way. I don't have to like everything, I can hate the whole holiday if I want and not learn a single lesson from it to boot. But that's not the case, I am growing a lot as this is a challenge and it takes a lot of skills to negotiate it emotionally, so it has great value, but I don't know if I'll return to Sydney, at least not for simple enjoyment.

I do have a day and a half left though and I'm certainly still open minded about enjoying myself.  

Just a quick update. (May contain self pity)

Okay, so I haven't written because I've been miserable, and that doesn't make for good writing or for good reading, but I wanted to keep people in the loop. I'm not strugging with massive demons, I'm just really bloody lonely and there are only so many shop assisants I can talk at before word gets out and they start avoiding me. I did however, have a very good day on Monday, after the cinema I went in search of tea shops and discovered T2, which is a kind of Davidstea from Australia, we have them in britain too, I've just never been into one. That are very impressive, I think the adrenalin of finding so much tea and the actual caffine boost of trying so much tea made me a bit overwhelmed. That night I went to the circus, (La Verità, beautiful, contemporary circus) and it wasn't bad, though a little busy for my taste, too much going on at once. However,I made   friends with the woman sat beside me who was very interesting, I may see her again as she offered me a lift to Otari-Wiltons bush this evening for a light show, but I don't know yet. Then Tuesday (yesterday) I met a friend for lunch, the first host I had in Wellington (2013) who I feel lucky to have stayed in contact with. Went into various shops, just trapsed, felt rather deflated despite managing to actually get out of the house, went to the museum but couldn't focus, came back, had a bit to eat then headed out to the 'dingle' (well, session on at the welsh bar), as I walked out of the apartment door I did a U-turn and walked straight back in, I had to give myself a fair pep talk before I felt confident enough to venture out and go to the session, only I didn't enjoy it, I was on the outside, in a bar full of people with not a single person to talk to or instrument to play, I wrote a bit, drew a bit, drank my ginger beer, reflected on how, like two years ago at the outdoor cinema, it was okay to concede defeat when you realised that you didn't want to do something because you just didn't like it. That as long as you don't let fear hold you back, once you've conquered that fear, it's fine to say "tits to this, I'm out of here suckers" or words to that effect. Not everything is about forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do, not everything is about inner demons, sometimes you're just cold or lonely or bored and you decide to leave. Though I'd missed my chance to sneak off to the cinema so I stayed a while for the hell of it. I walked back along courtney place, the centre of Wellington's night life and bar culture (and very close to where I'm staying) and watched all the happy people with other happy people so I walked past my apartment and out to the waterfront where I stared out into the vast, dark, sea and the distant lights of the city like some walking cliche of angst. Ughh, yeah, that's me, looking out at those cold lonely waves, black and turbulent, it's was like looking to a mirror, like looking into the depths of my soul... Ah f*ck off internal dialogue.  But I still haven't shaken that feeling off, now, on Wednesday morning I'm feeling sorry for myself, and then I'm like 'Hey you're in the best place on earth' and then I'm feeling dismal at my inability to appreciate my surroundings, and I'm an awful person then, and my guilt reaches up and knocks me over the head and I should be donating my body to starving orphans or something. Anyway, so, my thoughts are not concise and neat, I don't think I'm doing a great job conveying my feelings and to add to that it's 11.40 now and I still haven't got out, oh joy, more self imposed restrictions, more shame. I didn't keep to the plan mum, I screwed up. 

So this is why sometimes I stop writing, and I need to stop sometimes because my narrative has to be good, even at the depths of dispair, I can write about how awful I feel but this, this is a far poorer narrative, it's hardly even a thread of sense, it's a ramble, and I don't want to ramble, so I hope you'll forgive me for my lack of updates, normal service will resume when I am either euphoric or full of pain, because this, this watery self pity isn't woth either of our time.

T2

Poor man's dingle

Unfinished business

Oh yes, thank you for waiting! Where was I? So after my gigantic emotional meltdown, I went out and bought a tea flask which did a great deal to cheer me up, add to that the tea and new infuser I also bought and I was in a much better mood. I sourced (read: bought) a sketchbook, pencil and eraser and doodled the afternoon away. My host asked me if I wanted some soup and I told him I was going out to eat at that vegan place everyone had been recommending, so then I had to actually go. Aux Vivres was my first vegan restaurant, I ordered a thai bowl and a mug of earl grey with an enormous amount of lemon. It was gorgeous and I sat all evening sketching the room and feeling idylic. The staff were fantastic and so friendly, though my waiter didn't seem able to grasp the fact that I only had one day left and couldn't possibly check out all his recommendations before leaving the city. 

The next day I got up made a flask of rubarb tea, visited the cat cafe and took the metro the the biodome which was pretty average. Then I walked up to the botanical gardens and insectarium. It was beautiful, and overwhelmingly picturesque. Finally another sunny day and the warm breeze smelled like moss and fountains and flowers. I spent a long time in the alpine garden meditating and listening to the chorus of crickets. I also spotted black squirrels and chipmonks, I wished I could bring that moment home with me to share. 

I was so tired I just wanted to go home, the ache in my legs was fierce and I was sleepy as anything, but I had to stay out, the botanical gardens was open until 9pm and after dark would be celebrating the 'gardens of light' lantern festival. I ended up walking over to the children's play area and laying on a giant rope spider's web because I thought it looked comfortable, it wasn't, but I felt too cool to get down. Finally night fell and the lanterns were worth waiting for, the chinese garden looked incredible with huge hand sewn lanterns decorating every corner, and out across the lake opposite the pagoda. 

I almost walked 2.5 miles home because I was feeling invigorated but thought better of it. 

The next day I got up and worried. I packed as best I could, putting my old boots in my bag and my new triumphs on my feet. As I'm sure you all know, I then went out and bought more tea than any one sane* person needs and then went on to stuff my Jake boots full of it.**

I visited the cat cafe one last time before I left and walked to the base of Mont Royal, I never did get round to walking up it. 

The less said about my journey home the better, so in short: 

I met a lovely old man on the metro. 

The bus to the airport was so stressful I had to take a diazepam. 

In the airport I did manage to buy a 'Canada' patch, I've been buying one for each country I visit. 

My plane was a red eye (overnight) and I didn't sleep, they only turned the lights off for 3 hours and insisted on serving a meal at midnight.

I made my london connection fine, but had to take the Jubilee line at rush hour to get from the airport to paddington, not fun! 

I arrived at cardiff train station... but an hour early because I forgot my phone was on amsterdam time and I caught the wrong train. Luckily they didn't notice and I didn't even realise I had until mum asked me why I'd arrived an hour early. (She was of course there to meet me, even with the time difference!) 

I came home and went to cubs that evening incredibly tired and jet lagged.

I want to go back. 

*Luckily, I'm no sane person.

**I went through security twice, no one checked the tea in my boots.

What have I been getting up to in Canadia?

Right, a nutshell... 

On day one I got up at 4am, flew from London City airport, arrived in Amsterdam, bought 'Plato and a Platypus' and read it in the airport during my crummy 6 hour layover, flew to on to Montreal, watched 'Man Up' on the plane and continued reading my kindle book 'The Scar' (more on that later!), then when I arrived in Montreal I had the longest border patrol queue I've ever waited in, took an express bus to the metro, and a metro to my house for the week. Montreal metro is so easy, it makes the tube look like quantum mechanics. Crashed into bed at 9pm very jet lagged. My accomodation is lovely, as is my host. Total travel time: 19hrs :(

Day 2 I woke up at 3am but managed to doze uptil about 6 when I finally gave up and read, later I got up and read, my anxiety was (is) huge and I didn't manage to crawl out of the house until midday. I walked over to Cafe Chat L'heureux, Montreal's original cat cafe and had a very amazing grilled cheese aptly named a 'Cat Lady'. It was boiling out, really scorchio, but I knew the weather forcast was predicting rain so I dragged myself around the city trying to find a coat (I left mine ready to take in the kitchen). Okay, well long story short I did not have a good day, my anxiety was just too much for me to handle and everything I did was pretty miserable. Went to bed at 9 again, exhausted. 

Day 3 I woke up at almost 9 (hoorah!) and had a breakfast of biscuits and crackers before heading out. What a difference, where the previous day had been hot and bustling, the city lively and exuberant with lots of people out enjoying the sun and the weekend street festivals, today in the rain the city was calm and quiet, it was everything I needed quite honestly. I finally found a coat but while searching I discovered something much better, DAVIDsTEA! This is a paradise of tea choices! I have never seen so many tea options, nor have I ever smelled something so amazing! With everything from perfect traditional teas to the most incredible fruit and hebal blends, I was practically floored. I tried the tea of the day (a spiced pumpkin chai) and bought a few little tasters. It's incredible, expect me to come home, tea laden! I will include some photos at the bottom. Next I walked to the 'gay village' but I couldn't find the good bit so I carried on to Old Montreal, the dockside area with old buildings and cobbled streets, it was beautiful but packed with tourists and tourist shops so not my cup of tea (my cup of tea was a pumpkin chai latte with honey and it was very much my cup of tea!). After a little look about I headed back to Rue Saint-Denis and started the long walk back to my accomodation. I was starving by 4.30 and happened to be going past a different cat cafe so popped inside, they seated me at a single chair with no table and told me they'd be back to take my order, after 10 minutes or so they brought a cupcake to the people on the next table who asked if they could have their drinks too. Overhearing one woman say to the other '30 minutes for a cupcake and they still haven't brought our drinks!' I left. Knowing Cafe Chate L'heureux served excellent food I headed there instead and had the most amazing roast cauliflower salad! 

I went home and showered, washed my hair and bouyed myself up to go out again, but it was raining so much by this time, that I didn't want to stay out in it so I was back to the cat cafe for a cup of tea before bed, I stayed until 10pm, dirty stopout that I am! 

So now I have woken up on day 4 feeling far more positive and wondering what I will have to write about at the end of today! Who knows! Thanks guys, I wasn't happy when I got here, I'll admit that, because it's just as as important to be unhappy, you learn more. I feel much better now though, I hope I will look back on this trip and say I love Montreal, but if not, then that's okay too. :) 

The area I'm staying in; Plateau Mont Royal

Cafe Chat L'heureux!

DAVIDsTEA!! 

One of the beautiful old buldings of Old Motreal.