Unfinished business

Oh yes, thank you for waiting! Where was I? So after my gigantic emotional meltdown, I went out and bought a tea flask which did a great deal to cheer me up, add to that the tea and new infuser I also bought and I was in a much better mood. I sourced (read: bought) a sketchbook, pencil and eraser and doodled the afternoon away. My host asked me if I wanted some soup and I told him I was going out to eat at that vegan place everyone had been recommending, so then I had to actually go. Aux Vivres was my first vegan restaurant, I ordered a thai bowl and a mug of earl grey with an enormous amount of lemon. It was gorgeous and I sat all evening sketching the room and feeling idylic. The staff were fantastic and so friendly, though my waiter didn't seem able to grasp the fact that I only had one day left and couldn't possibly check out all his recommendations before leaving the city. 

The next day I got up made a flask of rubarb tea, visited the cat cafe and took the metro the the biodome which was pretty average. Then I walked up to the botanical gardens and insectarium. It was beautiful, and overwhelmingly picturesque. Finally another sunny day and the warm breeze smelled like moss and fountains and flowers. I spent a long time in the alpine garden meditating and listening to the chorus of crickets. I also spotted black squirrels and chipmonks, I wished I could bring that moment home with me to share. 

I was so tired I just wanted to go home, the ache in my legs was fierce and I was sleepy as anything, but I had to stay out, the botanical gardens was open until 9pm and after dark would be celebrating the 'gardens of light' lantern festival. I ended up walking over to the children's play area and laying on a giant rope spider's web because I thought it looked comfortable, it wasn't, but I felt too cool to get down. Finally night fell and the lanterns were worth waiting for, the chinese garden looked incredible with huge hand sewn lanterns decorating every corner, and out across the lake opposite the pagoda. 

I almost walked 2.5 miles home because I was feeling invigorated but thought better of it. 

The next day I got up and worried. I packed as best I could, putting my old boots in my bag and my new triumphs on my feet. As I'm sure you all know, I then went out and bought more tea than any one sane* person needs and then went on to stuff my Jake boots full of it.**

I visited the cat cafe one last time before I left and walked to the base of Mont Royal, I never did get round to walking up it. 

The less said about my journey home the better, so in short: 

I met a lovely old man on the metro. 

The bus to the airport was so stressful I had to take a diazepam. 

In the airport I did manage to buy a 'Canada' patch, I've been buying one for each country I visit. 

My plane was a red eye (overnight) and I didn't sleep, they only turned the lights off for 3 hours and insisted on serving a meal at midnight.

I made my london connection fine, but had to take the Jubilee line at rush hour to get from the airport to paddington, not fun! 

I arrived at cardiff train station... but an hour early because I forgot my phone was on amsterdam time and I caught the wrong train. Luckily they didn't notice and I didn't even realise I had until mum asked me why I'd arrived an hour early. (She was of course there to meet me, even with the time difference!) 

I came home and went to cubs that evening incredibly tired and jet lagged.

I want to go back. 

*Luckily, I'm no sane person.

**I went through security twice, no one checked the tea in my boots.

Lions and Tigers and Bears... Oh my!

There was a bit of a misunderstanding, at least On my end. On sunday morning I had a breakdown and instead of writing the ugly things I felt inside, I posted a passage from Figt Club, one of my favourite books. It was pushing the bounds of honesty and I thought everyone had politely ignored it. I have appologised several times but no one has acknowleged it. Well that's because it didn't publish. Still, I felt that as honesty goes, it should still be up there. I have decided to post it and it should apear above this post;  today's post. Still, feel free to politely ignore it! 

Monday morning. I know am running behind, also, I feel I owe some people an explanation and an apology. When I say I can't do one thing or another, I'm not putting myself down, I'm just stating a fact. I really am finding it so much harder to do all these things -write, play, (god forbid) draw- than I used to, so when I say I can't do it, I'm being honest, not criticising myself. I think a part of it is that I'm struggling with some demons I haven't identified yet, angry serpent-like things that are making me feel a lot of anger. I can't tell where they're coming from or what purpose they serve. Yesterday I had a gutteral rage that i couldn't find an outlet for, I'm sorry that I felt the need to express it here. I know it may have been unfair of me, but I like to belive that this blog is about a whole person and a whole experience and I do have a lot of ugly feelings inside me. 

Thank you to all the kind people who stick with me and write such kind things. You are honarary family, you have shown a kindness I find baffling and touching as it exceeds what I expect from people. 

I really do feel like I'm losing something, but I hope I'm just mislaying it. It's easy to see the bad things, they're louder than the simple moments of happiness that weave themselves into our day. I have seen and done the most delightful and wonderful things here, I've met strangers who needed somone to talk to, I've done things I never thought I'd get to do, and found amazing simple pleasures, perfect moments. ...however I have wrestled with feelings that are not new to me, but still continue to confound me each time they arise. I don't want them and they're not welcome. A better way to live would be to simply observe these feelings without judging them, to watch as they come and go without giving them power. Yeah, I know the drill, but I can't do it. Yet. 

So what have I done since the last time I really wrote? I've been to the zoo and fed the Lions, I've (shhh, it's a secret) been in the serval enclosure and petted the servals, I've been back to Ninjaflower (Wellington's best piercing studio) and had a few ear piercings, I've been to see beyond (a modern circus act) in the opera house, I've been back to Ninjaflower for photos of my piercinngs (to go in their portfolios), I've been to Zealandia (Wellington's nature reserve) in the sunny sunny daytime, I've had mighty tantrums inside and done some major sulking, I've been to see the Hobbit again (3D, 48fps, Atmos sound) and made up with my inner nerd, I've met up with some women who share in a hobby with me, I've talked a lot! I've had minor breakdowns, that felt like the end of the world when they happened. I've said some things here that were maybe too honest. I've been back to the zoo a 3rd time and gone behind the scenes with one of the keepers to meet their tiger, I have been snubbed and ignored by a tiger! I have met sun bears instead, and watched them go through their training and health checks, I have fed bears jam off a spoon. 

I have been on a night tour of Zealandia and been caught in a downpour in the forest valley for 2 hours; the tail end of Cyclone Lusi. I have seen a Kiwi roaming, I have seen a wild Eel, Wetas and Tuis and Bellbirds, I have seen Tuatara and Glowworms so beautiful they hurt to watch. 

I have had to wear flipflops and keep all my drippy, soaked through clothes in plastic bags.  

I have walked Cuba street and the waterfront and met many strangers who wanted someone to tell their story to, I met Terry who had brain damage but remembers 'gale and angela' and remembered his father the moment he heard him speak, I have met the woman who usually cooks but decided to get her friend a takeaway, I have met the man who is south african but lives in New zealand, who just got a new job.

I have drank ginger beer in the sun, and eaten in the museum garden, and searched for pebbles under a bridge. 

Lastly, I have flown away, leaving Wellington behind and arriving in Auckland with it's summer breezes, and Cicadas and sunshine in the day, and it's crickets by night. I have eaten warm Pumkin soup in a mug and gotten very sleepy. 

Now you have got as far as I have. What will tomorrow be made of? I don't know, good things and peace I hope. 

Night night xx 

Ah, airport Wifi!

I couldn't post the last blog post because my 30 mins of free airport wifi ran out, so I paid for 45 mins of wifi, but it didn't go through, so I spent a long time on the phone to customers services, the upshot of which was that my transaction didn't go through and I needed to pay again, so I did and that worked but then I got my emails, 2 of which were payment receipts which meant it HAD gone through the first time! So I wasted most of the 45 mins I bought by being on the phone a second time to customer services asking for a refund. I am a little less elated but still determined to arrive in wellington happy! Let it slide, let it slide...

Oh my days!

Goodness I'm tired (I'm worn but not sleepy thanks to the wonders of red bull!) but I am finally here! It is midday and I have to wait another few hours before I can board my last flight but I feel elated! If I could I'd go for a run (probably the red bull speaking) but I have to guard my bags, on of the downsideds to having no fixed abode... But I'll get there, by the time the sleepy headed british public wake up tomorrow morning, I should be settling down in wellington. I might cry, right now I feel like happy crying but later I might feel like sad crying, I hope I'll remember that sad crying is okay too and won't last forever. There are cicadas out in the trees singing and I feel like a cartoon character, floating about the ground in a happy dream state! I may buy another red bull because I'd rater be wired when i get to wellington than tired, I always cry when I'm tired, I'm really still that 5 year old sobbing "I'm not tired" while having an all out tantrum from exhaustion and I find it hard to draw the line between physical exhaustion and emotional. I am determined to stay mindful of my weakenesses and the pitfalls I am prone to, and to recognise, without judgement, the rise and fall of my emotions (yeah, lets see how THAT goes...) hahaha... 

Right, without futher ado, I will leave tyou with my quote of the day (wonderful Alexis gave me this idea, I have alot to thank her for.) 

"No fear, No distractions, the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." 

When I remember this, I feel a sense of peace. If you haven't read/watched Fight Club, then you should, it's like the tough guys guide to mindfulness. 

Love and best wishes to all, speak soon. 

Xx

So much to say, so little time!

Hello! I'm in Singapore airport, I don't have enough time to say all the things I'd like to so I much be quick and just tell you all I love you! My wonderful Mum dropped me off at the airport and although I wanted to stay clinging to her like a drowned rat, I decided I had to leave sooner or later. I have been very reasonable (lets see how long THAT lasts)!

I did manage to sleep on the plane, there was an empty seat next to me and I managed to conquer my fear of airport blankets (I'm not even kidding...) long enough to fall asleep, I'm still extra tired though. Anyway, 1 flight down, 2 to go!! Changi  airport is still beautiful and tranquil, I love it, nothing like the cattlemartket that is Heatherow terminal 3 departures!! I have taken a few photos so will include them. 

I like traveling, I don't just mean going to new places, I mean the travelling part. I think thinking and working things out and if I don't like something, I'm only passing through. It's arriving that scares me! No matter how much I love Wellington, I will arrive overtired, jetlagged, hungry, scared, homesick and in need to a serious hug. Shall we take bets of how much I freak out when I get there? I probably will, at least I'm expecting it this time. 

I have had such amazing comments on my blog and I can't thank you all enough, you can't imagine how much it means to me that I feel so supported and validated, that so many kind people share with me their thoughtfulness and care. Thank you all, I will be replying to comments while I'm here (maybe not all the time) and I'm sorry I haven't thanked you all sooner, I was in what I call 'doomsday mode'. 

I am now at the gate, ready to depart on the next leg, I am nervous but I have to remember that I chose this trip, I chose every single aspect of it and all I need to do now is try to make the most of what is quite frankly an amazing oportunity. 

Last point, no one in the whole lounge is talking, except a group of New Zealanders, it is heartening and puts a smile on my face. I hope there is much more of it to come! 

Come on grab your friends, we're going to very distant lands...

Okay, new itinerary! I did spend a while on it only to look at last year's itinerary and realise it was a much more sensible format! Oh well, it'll at least give you something to puzzle over!

Just in case puzzling isn't your style, I'll type a quick itinerary below. 

At this point I'm actually excited but still sticking my head in the sand so I don't have the worries of buying cat food or travel insurance, let's just leave those to a last minute panic! As our old pal Pinkie Pie would say, I'm nervouscited, which at this point is a huge upgrade from my usual state of pre travel terror. I don't usually do excitement, I usually worry and tell myself I'll be excited when I've finished worrying (a trick that never works), travel is usually an exclusively terrifying ordeal (which brings me to another point which will need a whole other blog post!) with no excitement whatsoever! 

Anyway, without further ado, here is my itinerary! 

Fly from London - 7th March

Arrive Wellington - 9th March

Leave Wellington for Auckland -17th of March

Move from Auckland suburbs to city centre - 20th March

Fly to Sydney - 23rd March

Fly to Melbourne - 27th March 

Fly home - 1st April

Arrive home - 2nd of April

My Layovers are in Singapore which is a fantastic airport sporting a butterfly garden, cinema, koi pond, and apparently the biggest slide in any airport in the world... So they say. 

Are you thinking that you know someone who went to Australia, they went out there and worked or cleaned a hostel and they stayed 6 months or a year, they made so many friends out there, they came home a different person, full of confidence and with friends for life. Are you wondering why I'm only going for 9 days? Well that's because I'm not that person who goes for 6 months and cleans hostels and makes magical friendships, I'm just doing the best I can and I feel ashamed I'm not that person but I'm really not. I'm the person who can't catch a bus into town anymore, I'm the person who is scared of loud noises, open spaces, the cold, the wind, the rain, buses, heavy doors, you name it. So 9 days is better than nothing because I really could be doing nothing, it would be so much easier, but I'm not, I'm doing this. 

Anyway, I hope you didn't think I was moaning or ranting, I wasn't, that's called honesty. 

More to come, have a great day! 

Into the west

If you don't get that title reference, I'm disowning you. Start googling!
Right, for those of you with better, vaster, wiser minds, I am now in singapore, it is 28 degrees, I am wearing a 3 layers, including thermals AND a jumper. I've got 18 until I'm due to arrive Heathrow. Including 14 hours of flying. I am tired, if I was in NZ I would have been fast asleep hours ago, but if I want to shake jet lag, I will have to adhere to british hours. Should be time for bed shortly after I get on the plane. I can't wait to touch down in lovely Britain, but I do already miss New Zealand, wellington at least. I feel a bit dizzy which is probably lack of sleep, it is weird here, I'm sitting by the airport Koi pond. There is a cinema here too, and a butterfly garden, all in departures. It makes Heathrow look like a cattle market. It is the most amazing airport. Like a little indoor town. Very laid back and full of places to rest and relax, there are windows (no windows in Heathrow!) and fountains. Ahhh I hope I sleep on the plane. Oh well, I have run out of things to say, have a nice day!! My next plane is an airbus A380, the biggest passenger plane around today... In case you were wondering.

So close...

I am in the airport, I depart on my 32 hour flight in 40 minutes, I can't wait. I can't even begin to describe how much I have missed home. I don't particularly want to spend all that time on planes and in airports, but it is worth is a hundred times over if it means I am back with the people I love! Dear Britain, I am almost home.