This is how I feel today, and then some.

Sunday morning. This didn't publish, I thought is had. All the worrying I did about people's reactions to how I was feeling, and my subsequent explanation in the next post must have sounded so out of context. I was under the impression that this had been up the whole time and everyone had ignored it politely. 

I have decided to post this anyway since I thought it was up here the whole time, but feel free to politely ignore it for real this time. (Today's; Monday's Blog post has also been posted.) 

This is how I felt sunday Morning:

"Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.

And I used to be such a nice person." 

After I posted this, I post again saying the following, I am moving it to here because it makes more sense in order. 

I'm not going to delete my earlier blog post just because I have regained control of my emotions. If I deleted all my bad blog posts when I felt good, then the opposit would also have to apply. I'd be lying if I said I felt good all of the time. I feel bad often enough to fill a book, but it passes as quickly as it comes on. I wish I could remember that all things pass, but I can't when I'm in that place. This morning I felt like I was so twisted up with anger that my soul was falling apart inside me. I felt so full of bitter rage that I thought it was all that I was. 

I couldn't write those honest words I borrowed, they're ugly and vengeful and true and although I want to be honest on here, I don't know where honesty ends and cruelty begins.

Oh my days!

Goodness I'm tired (I'm worn but not sleepy thanks to the wonders of red bull!) but I am finally here! It is midday and I have to wait another few hours before I can board my last flight but I feel elated! If I could I'd go for a run (probably the red bull speaking) but I have to guard my bags, on of the downsideds to having no fixed abode... But I'll get there, by the time the sleepy headed british public wake up tomorrow morning, I should be settling down in wellington. I might cry, right now I feel like happy crying but later I might feel like sad crying, I hope I'll remember that sad crying is okay too and won't last forever. There are cicadas out in the trees singing and I feel like a cartoon character, floating about the ground in a happy dream state! I may buy another red bull because I'd rater be wired when i get to wellington than tired, I always cry when I'm tired, I'm really still that 5 year old sobbing "I'm not tired" while having an all out tantrum from exhaustion and I find it hard to draw the line between physical exhaustion and emotional. I am determined to stay mindful of my weakenesses and the pitfalls I am prone to, and to recognise, without judgement, the rise and fall of my emotions (yeah, lets see how THAT goes...) hahaha... 

Right, without futher ado, I will leave tyou with my quote of the day (wonderful Alexis gave me this idea, I have alot to thank her for.) 

"No fear, No distractions, the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." 

When I remember this, I feel a sense of peace. If you haven't read/watched Fight Club, then you should, it's like the tough guys guide to mindfulness. 

Love and best wishes to all, speak soon. 

Xx