Sunday morning. This didn't publish, I thought is had. All the worrying I did about people's reactions to how I was feeling, and my subsequent explanation in the next post must have sounded so out of context. I was under the impression that this had been up the whole time and everyone had ignored it politely.
I have decided to post this anyway since I thought it was up here the whole time, but feel free to politely ignore it for real this time. (Today's; Monday's Blog post has also been posted.)
This is how I felt sunday Morning:
"Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.
And I used to be such a nice person."
After I posted this, I post again saying the following, I am moving it to here because it makes more sense in order.
I'm not going to delete my earlier blog post just because I have regained control of my emotions. If I deleted all my bad blog posts when I felt good, then the opposit would also have to apply. I'd be lying if I said I felt good all of the time. I feel bad often enough to fill a book, but it passes as quickly as it comes on. I wish I could remember that all things pass, but I can't when I'm in that place. This morning I felt like I was so twisted up with anger that my soul was falling apart inside me. I felt so full of bitter rage that I thought it was all that I was.
I couldn't write those honest words I borrowed, they're ugly and vengeful and true and although I want to be honest on here, I don't know where honesty ends and cruelty begins.
Ok, we know it is no surprise to me.... I have seen all of you. You are not your thoughts...... They are just your thoughts. I know how much you rage against yourself and the world.... I also know that is not who you are. I know how much you love... and I know much you are loved.... I know you are scared and I know you are an extraordinary young woman of courage.You are very brave to admit to these thoughts... We all, (I think) have them at times but, (I can only speak for myself) bury them deep for fear of being judged. IAs I said, earlier, The only thing I would change, is that I wish you a calm and peaceful mind.... I believe you will find it.... I love you with all my heart. xxx
ReplyDeleteDon't ever think that no one else feels like this! Anger and rage are just one (two?) of the many facets of human emotion. Personally I think it's good to get it down on paper in all it's brutal savagery. Somehow this diffuses it. I look at some of the stuff I wrote down at a certain period of my life - so full of anger, hatred and vitriol - at the time it helped to put those words down instead of having them seething in my head. I look at them now and they have no power over me. No one is judging you (except yourself of course!). We are all human after all. Love and hugs, Lisa x
ReplyDeleteLisa, it has taken me a little while to get back to you on this but I just wanted you to know that of all the comments I have recieved, this one meant the most to me. It's easy to be supportive of somone who is scared and trying to be brave, but to support somone who is showing the ugliest side of their emotions is to me a heart wrenching kindness. Thank you. I hope you and your family are well, I miss thw dingle very much, I heard a busker singing a Paul Simon song today and thought of Tom, I hope he is okay. Hannah xx
ReplyDeleteWe are all human Hannah, and we all feel strong emotion at certain times in our lives. A lot of it is ugly but that doesn't mean it should be ignored. You're hurting and angry and I can empathise with that! We're missing you at the Dingle. We didn't go a week ago but you're Dad did - there weren't many there and he came home early. Almost same again this week (we did go as it was Tom's birthday). Not the same without you, though Calm did manage to get Tom to join in with a couple of pieces. Tom's still Tom - confused and angry and unsure about everything - but I'm guessing you can empathise with that (see what I mean :) ). Much love, Lisa xxx
ReplyDelete