Watching the Hobbit yesterday I felt particularly like I was being targeted when Gandalf says to Bilbo: "You'll have a tale or two to tell when you come back."
"Can you promise that I will come back?" Asks bilbo,
To which Gandalf replies: "No, and if you do, you will not be the same."
How could such lines not strike such a chord when I am sitting, 11,000 miles away from all that I love, knowing I heard those very words from a hundred people before I left. I was saving this post for my return, but I will admit now that I am still the same. This trip hasn't made me stronger, braver, happier. It hasn't "made me into a woman" nor has it made me fall in love with New Zealand (although I may have a little crush on Wellington, don't tell anyone!). But I can't say nothing has happened. This trip has made me aware, that in my most humble opinion, I won't ever change or find what I'm looking for until I learn to let go of my fears. I will always have unreasonable expectations and will move my boundaries to make sure nothing ever meets them, because I couldn't dare let my guard down. I know now too that I am still to afraid to really enjoy things in the way that other people seem to. The best experiences become nightmares when I suddenly panic over what could happen back home, or weather I even HAVE a home anymore. And when I do feel happy, it feels so fragile and I know any moment I could be crying over spilt milk. Lastly, and I hate to admit to this one, I feel lonely, I just don't feel right on my own. I don't know yet whether I will grow out of it, or whether I will always need someone to share things with, but at this time in my life, I do. This trip has been amazing. Not always happy, in fact I think I may have cried every day bar two, but I am adult enough to see adventures are not all good, and the line between great and terrible is very fine. It HAS been an amazing trip, but the next one will be better, because now I know more about ME, and where I need to change. (But not how quite yet.)
I did see the Hobbit in the Embassy Theatre, where the world premier took place, I did see it in 48fps, and I will see it again if there is any way to; it is MY trip and if I want to be a nerd then I will!!
It was glorious I am happy to announce and I look forward to it's release on DVD next month.
I will leave you with this most wonderfully quaint yet sincere quote from The Hobbit,
"Bilbo had many hardships and adventures before he got back. The wild was still the wild."
