Watching the Hobbit yesterday I felt particularly like I was being targeted when Gandalf says to Bilbo: "You'll have a tale or two to tell when you come back."
"Can you promise that I will come back?" Asks bilbo,
To which Gandalf replies: "No, and if you do, you will not be the same."
How could such lines not strike such a chord when I am sitting, 11,000 miles away from all that I love, knowing I heard those very words from a hundred people before I left. I was saving this post for my return, but I will admit now that I am still the same. This trip hasn't made me stronger, braver, happier. It hasn't "made me into a woman" nor has it made me fall in love with New Zealand (although I may have a little crush on Wellington, don't tell anyone!). But I can't say nothing has happened. This trip has made me aware, that in my most humble opinion, I won't ever change or find what I'm looking for until I learn to let go of my fears. I will always have unreasonable expectations and will move my boundaries to make sure nothing ever meets them, because I couldn't dare let my guard down. I know now too that I am still to afraid to really enjoy things in the way that other people seem to. The best experiences become nightmares when I suddenly panic over what could happen back home, or weather I even HAVE a home anymore. And when I do feel happy, it feels so fragile and I know any moment I could be crying over spilt milk. Lastly, and I hate to admit to this one, I feel lonely, I just don't feel right on my own. I don't know yet whether I will grow out of it, or whether I will always need someone to share things with, but at this time in my life, I do. This trip has been amazing. Not always happy, in fact I think I may have cried every day bar two, but I am adult enough to see adventures are not all good, and the line between great and terrible is very fine. It HAS been an amazing trip, but the next one will be better, because now I know more about ME, and where I need to change. (But not how quite yet.)
I did see the Hobbit in the Embassy Theatre, where the world premier took place, I did see it in 48fps, and I will see it again if there is any way to; it is MY trip and if I want to be a nerd then I will!!
It was glorious I am happy to announce and I look forward to it's release on DVD next month.
I will leave you with this most wonderfully quaint yet sincere quote from The Hobbit,
"Bilbo had many hardships and adventures before he got back. The wild was still the wild."
Poignant blog Olive, I have read it a few times now and cherish the comment 'I know more about ME' - a change doesn't necessarily mean a result, understanding yourself more (in my very humble opinion) does.
ReplyDeleteSending love,
Becky x x
We're all frightened little girls and boys deep down. Adulthood, responsibility, it's all scary. One of David's sayings is 'feel the fear but do it anyway' and you've gone out and done just that. It won't suddenly make you into a different person but even small steps in the right direction get you there in the end. Take care and if you want to watch The Hobbit a dozen times before you get home you go for it! Lisa x
ReplyDeleteThe world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.
ReplyDeleteBut still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.
I don't think it has made you stronger or braver... I think you already were. You make me feel many things, at the moment it's overwhelming pride of the the person that you are. Just saying... :)
I love you. Your mum xxx
In a nutshell, it's our perspective that alters not us. Does that make sense? When I returned from my solo trip to the USA at the same age as you I was just the same as when I left but with more benchmarks to compare things with. It's all experience :-D xx
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