Films by starlight

There seems to be a lot of confusion about when I did what and what I've already done, so from now on I'll add the names of the days, and for anyone who doesn't know, New Zealand is 13 hours ahead of Britian, which basically means that when you get up on Friday morning, I'm about to go to bed friday night. 

Thank you everyone who comments, it's so kind of everyone to be so supportive. 

So the day I wrote about the last night, where I went to the Zoo, that was wednesday. Wednesday evening was amazing, I learn a real lesson. Where I am staying is Oriental Parade, across from Waitangi Park, one of Wellington's main central parks. Over the summer the park has been host to several 'films by starlight' events where the are food and drink stalls, a huge inflatable screen is erected and anyone can go sit in the park at dusk and watch one of the carefully selected films. They have had some wonderful choices including, The princess bride, Despicable me and Spirited away. On Wednesday night, they were playing one of my all time very favourite films (a film that if you haven't seen, I implore you to watch) Moonrise Kindom (Although not a children's film, it follows the story of two troubled children living on a small new england island who meet and plan to run away together. It's quirky with an interesting sense of humour, a fantastic cast, a wonderful backdrop and best of all, scouts!) 

I decided to go and crossed the road to the park, I was there for 5 minutes max before I decided I was too cold (read: SCARED) to stay. I came home. 

I told myself it wasn't fate that my favourite film was playing across the road, I told myself it wasn't destiny and it wasn't there to test me. I lied to myself to try to make myself feel better. The truth is, it wasn't fate or destiny, I had chosen to stay in the center of the city, and it was one of a selection of well chosen films. However, I was lying when when I told myself it wasn't a test. Maybe god or the universe were not testing me, but I was certainly testing myself and I was failing miserably. So I pulled my scratchy thermals over my sunburn (don't bring it up, I'm wearing suncream now), pulled another two layers over the top, and my snuggliest hat and scarf (I'd only packed for warm weather, it's lighter), I filled a hot water bottle and fetched another to sit on. I swallowed a spoonful of man the hell up and I walked back over to the park. I found a place to sit and waited a while. The film started and I felt so good that I had persevered! I waited 10 minutes and went home, I was cold and scratchy and uncomfortable. 

I passed the test because I knew when I was giving up out of fear and I found a way through. I passed the test because I didn't give up because I was scared. It didn't matter if I changed my mind and went home anyway (I was BLOODY FREEZING!), what matters is that I didn't let my fear stop me, I did what I felt I needed, no, wanted to do and I passed the test. Then I got extra marks for  knowing when to give up. For recognising when I was no longer giving up out of fear and for realising 'actually, I'm just not enjoying this!'. 

You see, I learnt recently that fear doesn't just stop me doing what I want to do, it also causes me to do all sorts of things that I don't really want to do too. 

When I booked this trip, I felt so bad that I wasn't going for 6 months or a year like most people seem to. I said to my (lovely) Mother "I feel so bad, I am too scared to go for 6 months!" And Mum said "do you want to go for 6 months?" To which I replied "OF COURSE NOT! That's what makes it so scary!" 

In my effort to overcome and conquer every possible fear in my life, I sometimes forget to check whether the reason I'm scared isn't just because it's not something I want. It's confusing, but sometimes I do things because I think I should overcome my fear of them, without checking whether I actually want to do them first. 

Sometimes I can't tell whether I want todo  something until I've pushed through my fear and sometimes even then I can't tell, but it's something I need to be aware of, that my fear definitely clouds my judgement, and not always in thw way I expect it to. 

I am very lucky that I have such wonderful people around me, and that I am learning things all the time. Anyone who remembers my resent trip to Sweden will know I had a pretty tough day where I was too scared to leave the appartment, but that day taught me more than I ever realised. Sometimes, enjoying things isn't about forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do! Although that's a concept I find hard to wrap my tiny mind around, I'm now learning that being happiness is actually less about making yourself suffer and more about being happy... Who knew? 

That was Wednesday, we've still got Thursay to go since it's Friday now and I had many adventures in between! 

We're all going to the zoo tomorrow...

Well it's been 2 days since I wrote, so I better get you up to speed! As it happens, we're not all going to the zoo tomorrow, sorry to disapoint. After my last blog post, I went home and read until I finally finished my long standing love affair with Sookie Stackhouse, it has taken a while but I finally read the last book in this ongoing series of guilty pleasures (A fact I'm telling you because I'm still grieving the end of our relationship). For those of you who are wondering, I am now entertaining the likes of Tyler Durden, Fight Club is a must read in my humble opinion. 

I took a Temazepam before bed since I just wasn't sleepinging properly up to this point (no one mention red bull, I wouldn't drink it unless I knew how it would affect me) so I thought a temazepam (prescribed for my bad sleep and nightmares) would help. And so it did! I slept right through to 9.30am and I felt better. Nightmares do terrible things to yours sleep, it's amazing what a night free of fear can do.

Since I could feel the effects of my good sleep wearing off and it was overcast again, I didn't want to waste the day so I took decisive action and caught a bus to Lyall bay, where I had stayed for a while last year (anyone remember my love affair with burmese beauty Rosie?). Lyall bay has houses, a beach and not that much more! What it does have is a deli. The most beautiful deli, inside and out! I didn't get a chance to visit the deli last year, since I kept setting off before it was open, and comeing home after it was shut, I decided it was finally time to try that deli. I had brunch, a mozzarella, tomato and olive toastie, though I don't like tomatoes or olives (or capers for that matter, it had capers too) but I ate it and felt very grown up about it too! (Is that what I think grown ups do? Eat things they don't like?? A question to explore another time!) 

After my 'Mmmmm' brunch (is that a good Mmmm or a bad Mmmm?) I set off to walk over the tallest hill in the whole world! (A regular size hill, Wellington is all hills) I will add some photos at the end, when you see the teeny tiny houses in them, remember that's where I started off. Lyall bay and Kilbirnie are both tha same side of a big hill, on the other side is Newtown park. You can go round the hill by bus, but I had decided to walk the big silly thing. It was like slaying a dragon in case you need something to compare it to, like slaying a really big, hilly, scorching hot, noisy, dragon. These hills are the kind that are steep and have zig zaggy roads going up them, last year my host laughed at me for calling the hills wiggly slopes or windy slopes, apparently most people just call them hills. 

Suddenly, climbing the wiggly slope, I could hear cicadas again and birds too! I had missed them so much as they'd stoped in the city due to the clouds, but in the trees they were still singing. Then I heard my first Tui of the trip! Tui's are a magnificant NZ bird, they sound like a combination of panpipes, and an animal being murdered. The first time I ever heard one I spent half an hour searching for the source of the strangled sounds and almost phoned the police! I love them, they are quintessentially new zealandish (not a word, AGAIN! I'm tired.) and make me dreadfully happy! 

I crossed the epic hill and reached the zoo where I imediately gave in to all my impulses and booked an encounter... Surprise surprise. But not like a sensible person would imagine, I booked it for THE NEXT DAY. Yes, you heard right, I went to the zoo, and then booked to go to the zoo again the next day. If I'd done it online, I could have gone on the day of the encounter, stayed all day and got free admission, but nooo, I did exactly what I did last year, and booked the encounter on a different day so I would have to go back, and pay for the first day too. 

Anyway, I had a splendid day at the zoo, looking at animals and the like. I then walked over the wiggly dragon again and this time to Kilbirnie so I could go to a better supermarket. Countdown sells the mango I like, New world does not. 

The  I took the bus back. How clever I thought I was, saving a doller and 50 cents (turns out I wasn't) by taking the bus from Kilbirnie instead of the zoo. 

In the evening I had some big fish to fry! But my neck hurts so I'm going to publish this and split the rest into 2 more posts. PHOTO TIME! 

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away..

Well.. Not exactly, but you get the gist and it seemed like a pretty good title. Yesterday morning I woke at 5am, the night before I had suffered a bit of an accomodation mix up which led to my host calling my Mum... in Wales. As you can imagine it totally didn't help me get into my house and let to me sitting outside and then dragging my luggage around the supermarket hoping someone would let me in when I got back. Anyway, needless to say I got in, felt all "oh why on earth did I come here? Do I even like New Zealand? Am I mad? I want to go hoooome" etc etc and went to be at a goodly hour. 

Then as I said, I got up at 5am yesterday,  wrote many important emails and sorted out many important things (not that many) and lay in bed reading. 

I got up and out at around 8am, wantered around the waterfront and the museum garden, and while I was busy wasting my day away I got a very important email. I arranged to meet a friend, a wonderful woman who hosted me in Wellington last year, for lunch at 12pm. After several long and grueling hours which made me question whether time mo es slower in NZ, it was finally time to go. I have to say I had a lovely lunch (Halloumi and walnut salad) an even lovelier waterfront walk with Sara and we talked about many things (cats mostly as it goes... Actually, not that many things, it really was cats cats cats..)

and I can still feel myself glowing with respect for this woman who I have a lot of time for, she has showed me a lot of kindness. 

Later I walked Cuba street, Wellington's central yet quirky street of boutiques, cafes and more. 

Lastly I stopped off and boucht myself a ticket for the evening's showing of the Hobbit: the desolation of my childhood hopes and dreams (at least I think that's what it's called) in 3D, 48FPS, Blow out your eardrums Dolby digital atmos (I have to admit, it blows out your mind too) at 8:30pm. Then I went home and read until it 'was TIME'. 

I think I watched about half an hour of the film, half a stomach churning, magical, topsy turvy hour where I literally almost climbed over the seats behind me in an attempt to get away from the spiders. Let me make this clear, I have seen this film twice already in 3D, 48FPS and DD Atmos make ALL the difference. May have been one of the most goosebumpy films I've ever watched. However I conceded after 30 minuted of internal struggling that I was clearly too tired to sit in a cinema until 11.30, and just got up and left, despite my inner nerd screaming "this is the only chance you will ever get to watch this film, in this format, in this cinema... If you walk out I'll disown you!"... But I did. 

Then I spoilt the affect if my frankly very mature decision by chatting to the girl behind the counter for a further half an hour or more. Oh well, I take my pride where I can get it... HEY GUYS! I spoke to a person, a HUMAN person! Eh, eh.. 

Anyway, to conclude, I slept terribley last night, my OCD is of the chart and I'm living off crackers despite buying my own cultlery and a bowl I can't eat in the house. I'm scared of the shower, I'm scared of my bed, I'm scared of the carpet. Today is overcast, I'm scared of clouds. I can't stop shaking, I've been shaking for hours. I'm falling asleep because that's one of the things I do when I'm really stressed, I shut down. 

I beed a cat, I'm not even kidding, somone find me a cat. 

I'm aching so much from shaking. 

I've been up since 6am but couldn't leave the house 'til 11. 

I hate me. I want to be someone else. 

Life is a mixed bag.

Ah, airport Wifi!

I couldn't post the last blog post because my 30 mins of free airport wifi ran out, so I paid for 45 mins of wifi, but it didn't go through, so I spent a long time on the phone to customers services, the upshot of which was that my transaction didn't go through and I needed to pay again, so I did and that worked but then I got my emails, 2 of which were payment receipts which meant it HAD gone through the first time! So I wasted most of the 45 mins I bought by being on the phone a second time to customer services asking for a refund. I am a little less elated but still determined to arrive in wellington happy! Let it slide, let it slide...

Oh my days!

Goodness I'm tired (I'm worn but not sleepy thanks to the wonders of red bull!) but I am finally here! It is midday and I have to wait another few hours before I can board my last flight but I feel elated! If I could I'd go for a run (probably the red bull speaking) but I have to guard my bags, on of the downsideds to having no fixed abode... But I'll get there, by the time the sleepy headed british public wake up tomorrow morning, I should be settling down in wellington. I might cry, right now I feel like happy crying but later I might feel like sad crying, I hope I'll remember that sad crying is okay too and won't last forever. There are cicadas out in the trees singing and I feel like a cartoon character, floating about the ground in a happy dream state! I may buy another red bull because I'd rater be wired when i get to wellington than tired, I always cry when I'm tired, I'm really still that 5 year old sobbing "I'm not tired" while having an all out tantrum from exhaustion and I find it hard to draw the line between physical exhaustion and emotional. I am determined to stay mindful of my weakenesses and the pitfalls I am prone to, and to recognise, without judgement, the rise and fall of my emotions (yeah, lets see how THAT goes...) hahaha... 

Right, without futher ado, I will leave tyou with my quote of the day (wonderful Alexis gave me this idea, I have alot to thank her for.) 

"No fear, No distractions, the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." 

When I remember this, I feel a sense of peace. If you haven't read/watched Fight Club, then you should, it's like the tough guys guide to mindfulness. 

Love and best wishes to all, speak soon. 

Xx

So much to say, so little time!

Hello! I'm in Singapore airport, I don't have enough time to say all the things I'd like to so I much be quick and just tell you all I love you! My wonderful Mum dropped me off at the airport and although I wanted to stay clinging to her like a drowned rat, I decided I had to leave sooner or later. I have been very reasonable (lets see how long THAT lasts)!

I did manage to sleep on the plane, there was an empty seat next to me and I managed to conquer my fear of airport blankets (I'm not even kidding...) long enough to fall asleep, I'm still extra tired though. Anyway, 1 flight down, 2 to go!! Changi  airport is still beautiful and tranquil, I love it, nothing like the cattlemartket that is Heatherow terminal 3 departures!! I have taken a few photos so will include them. 

I like traveling, I don't just mean going to new places, I mean the travelling part. I think thinking and working things out and if I don't like something, I'm only passing through. It's arriving that scares me! No matter how much I love Wellington, I will arrive overtired, jetlagged, hungry, scared, homesick and in need to a serious hug. Shall we take bets of how much I freak out when I get there? I probably will, at least I'm expecting it this time. 

I have had such amazing comments on my blog and I can't thank you all enough, you can't imagine how much it means to me that I feel so supported and validated, that so many kind people share with me their thoughtfulness and care. Thank you all, I will be replying to comments while I'm here (maybe not all the time) and I'm sorry I haven't thanked you all sooner, I was in what I call 'doomsday mode'. 

I am now at the gate, ready to depart on the next leg, I am nervous but I have to remember that I chose this trip, I chose every single aspect of it and all I need to do now is try to make the most of what is quite frankly an amazing oportunity. 

Last point, no one in the whole lounge is talking, except a group of New Zealanders, it is heartening and puts a smile on my face. I hope there is much more of it to come! 

Come on grab your friends, we're going to very distant lands...

Okay, new itinerary! I did spend a while on it only to look at last year's itinerary and realise it was a much more sensible format! Oh well, it'll at least give you something to puzzle over!

Just in case puzzling isn't your style, I'll type a quick itinerary below. 

At this point I'm actually excited but still sticking my head in the sand so I don't have the worries of buying cat food or travel insurance, let's just leave those to a last minute panic! As our old pal Pinkie Pie would say, I'm nervouscited, which at this point is a huge upgrade from my usual state of pre travel terror. I don't usually do excitement, I usually worry and tell myself I'll be excited when I've finished worrying (a trick that never works), travel is usually an exclusively terrifying ordeal (which brings me to another point which will need a whole other blog post!) with no excitement whatsoever! 

Anyway, without further ado, here is my itinerary! 

Fly from London - 7th March

Arrive Wellington - 9th March

Leave Wellington for Auckland -17th of March

Move from Auckland suburbs to city centre - 20th March

Fly to Sydney - 23rd March

Fly to Melbourne - 27th March 

Fly home - 1st April

Arrive home - 2nd of April

My Layovers are in Singapore which is a fantastic airport sporting a butterfly garden, cinema, koi pond, and apparently the biggest slide in any airport in the world... So they say. 

Are you thinking that you know someone who went to Australia, they went out there and worked or cleaned a hostel and they stayed 6 months or a year, they made so many friends out there, they came home a different person, full of confidence and with friends for life. Are you wondering why I'm only going for 9 days? Well that's because I'm not that person who goes for 6 months and cleans hostels and makes magical friendships, I'm just doing the best I can and I feel ashamed I'm not that person but I'm really not. I'm the person who can't catch a bus into town anymore, I'm the person who is scared of loud noises, open spaces, the cold, the wind, the rain, buses, heavy doors, you name it. So 9 days is better than nothing because I really could be doing nothing, it would be so much easier, but I'm not, I'm doing this. 

Anyway, I hope you didn't think I was moaning or ranting, I wasn't, that's called honesty. 

More to come, have a great day!