Unfinished business

Oh yes, thank you for waiting! Where was I? So after my gigantic emotional meltdown, I went out and bought a tea flask which did a great deal to cheer me up, add to that the tea and new infuser I also bought and I was in a much better mood. I sourced (read: bought) a sketchbook, pencil and eraser and doodled the afternoon away. My host asked me if I wanted some soup and I told him I was going out to eat at that vegan place everyone had been recommending, so then I had to actually go. Aux Vivres was my first vegan restaurant, I ordered a thai bowl and a mug of earl grey with an enormous amount of lemon. It was gorgeous and I sat all evening sketching the room and feeling idylic. The staff were fantastic and so friendly, though my waiter didn't seem able to grasp the fact that I only had one day left and couldn't possibly check out all his recommendations before leaving the city. 

The next day I got up made a flask of rubarb tea, visited the cat cafe and took the metro the the biodome which was pretty average. Then I walked up to the botanical gardens and insectarium. It was beautiful, and overwhelmingly picturesque. Finally another sunny day and the warm breeze smelled like moss and fountains and flowers. I spent a long time in the alpine garden meditating and listening to the chorus of crickets. I also spotted black squirrels and chipmonks, I wished I could bring that moment home with me to share. 

I was so tired I just wanted to go home, the ache in my legs was fierce and I was sleepy as anything, but I had to stay out, the botanical gardens was open until 9pm and after dark would be celebrating the 'gardens of light' lantern festival. I ended up walking over to the children's play area and laying on a giant rope spider's web because I thought it looked comfortable, it wasn't, but I felt too cool to get down. Finally night fell and the lanterns were worth waiting for, the chinese garden looked incredible with huge hand sewn lanterns decorating every corner, and out across the lake opposite the pagoda. 

I almost walked 2.5 miles home because I was feeling invigorated but thought better of it. 

The next day I got up and worried. I packed as best I could, putting my old boots in my bag and my new triumphs on my feet. As I'm sure you all know, I then went out and bought more tea than any one sane* person needs and then went on to stuff my Jake boots full of it.**

I visited the cat cafe one last time before I left and walked to the base of Mont Royal, I never did get round to walking up it. 

The less said about my journey home the better, so in short: 

I met a lovely old man on the metro. 

The bus to the airport was so stressful I had to take a diazepam. 

In the airport I did manage to buy a 'Canada' patch, I've been buying one for each country I visit. 

My plane was a red eye (overnight) and I didn't sleep, they only turned the lights off for 3 hours and insisted on serving a meal at midnight.

I made my london connection fine, but had to take the Jubilee line at rush hour to get from the airport to paddington, not fun! 

I arrived at cardiff train station... but an hour early because I forgot my phone was on amsterdam time and I caught the wrong train. Luckily they didn't notice and I didn't even realise I had until mum asked me why I'd arrived an hour early. (She was of course there to meet me, even with the time difference!) 

I came home and went to cubs that evening incredibly tired and jet lagged.

I want to go back. 

*Luckily, I'm no sane person.

**I went through security twice, no one checked the tea in my boots.

Got to write this down while I'm still experiencing it.

Right, so I just made the mistake of planning to go somewhere without checking it was open, so travelled actross the city, bought metro tickets etc only to arrive and it was closed. Why am I upset? Is it because I wasted my money? Is it because I wasted my time? Is it because I made plans and now I don't know what to do? Is it because I might have to change other plans to allow for my mistake? Is it because I made the mistake in the first place? 

I'm not sure, I keep telling myself it's not a big deal, it wasn't much money, it didn't take long, plans are flexible, people make mistakes. And yet.. And yet my face feels hot and my nose is tingly and my eyes keep leaking. My head is thinking of other things I might have got wrong, dredging them up, saying "look at this, look what a terrible affect this will have and now you are doomed and things will be awful forever, you're stupid and you should curl up and die, it's your only option really." It's like I majored in melodrama. What the tits! When people say that mental ilness is all in your head they are just making nonsense sounds with their mouths. No matter what sense of calm and perspective I bring to my mind, no matter how I use my HEAD to rationalise it, my body betrays me. Shakes, churning nausia, tears, stomach cramps and difficulty breathing. My words start getting caught in my throat and I grow dizzy, then I feel my body shutting off, my eyes start to close, my thoughts get fuzzy and vague and everything is in slow motion. If that's just in my head then so are all the other illnesses that you experience due to mental stimuli to the brain. 

I feel exceedingly stupid and sad. I'm not looking for someone to coddle me or tell me it's okay, everyone has plenty of kind words and I thank you for that but it's not what I'm looking for, what I want is something that comes from inside myself, I don't want other people to tell me it's okay, I want that feeling to come from inside ME, I don't want my mind and my body to turn against me at every little mistake I make, god knows I'm trying as hard as I can, so for once, would you just support me instead of beating me up over everything I do?! 

Adventure time, come on grab your boots!

Yes, well, what did I get up to today you ask? Boot shopping! A country girl like me (as if) rarely buys shoes, my last pair were my beloved docs a year and a half ago. Lets face it, the only time I ever need new shoes is my shoes actually fall apart... Or if I find myself in a city, where there are many boots to tempt me. You can't see this, but I'm wearing my embarassed face, I like to think of myself as being above all that shoe nonsense that women get so much flack for. Shoe mad? Not me, I have one pair of each type of shoe, as is proper! One brogues, one converse, one vans (daps), one DCs, one boots (Dr Martens of course)... Oh, no... Wait... Boots... 

I must convest a shameless love affair I have been having with not one, but two pairs of Dr Martens down the street (no one tell my tea, it will get jealous)! 

I stumbled across two very different boots on a routine hunt for a raincoat yesterday, and fell hopelessly and irrevocably, head over heels. One a pair of eye stingingly bright yellow Adventure time ankle boots with two little Jake faces on them, boots for a childish yet edgy free spirit (read: five year old) and one a pair of dark brown, soft leather,

12 hole triumph boots with ribbon laces, boots for interesting, sophisticated person, in touch with nature and blah, blah, blah, cut to the chase. No you can't get 'em in Britain, no, neither of them. I've wanted the triumphs a long time, I've wanted the AT yellow monstrosities for a day. How long did I spend hassling the staff in Neon? Who knows, may have been anywhere up to two hours. Did I buy the bloody boots? Yes. Which ones? Both, with insoles and a pair of Levis dungarees to boot (Ha! See what I did there; boot).

Well, that was my day, (after all that life changing decision stuff I needed a lie down), how was yours? 

Jake boots (and Jake the dog, reference for those not in the know).

And a photo, NOT A SELFIE, of the triumph boots. Yes, I know, telepathically, which you like better. 

What have I been getting up to in Canadia?

Right, a nutshell... 

On day one I got up at 4am, flew from London City airport, arrived in Amsterdam, bought 'Plato and a Platypus' and read it in the airport during my crummy 6 hour layover, flew to on to Montreal, watched 'Man Up' on the plane and continued reading my kindle book 'The Scar' (more on that later!), then when I arrived in Montreal I had the longest border patrol queue I've ever waited in, took an express bus to the metro, and a metro to my house for the week. Montreal metro is so easy, it makes the tube look like quantum mechanics. Crashed into bed at 9pm very jet lagged. My accomodation is lovely, as is my host. Total travel time: 19hrs :(

Day 2 I woke up at 3am but managed to doze uptil about 6 when I finally gave up and read, later I got up and read, my anxiety was (is) huge and I didn't manage to crawl out of the house until midday. I walked over to Cafe Chat L'heureux, Montreal's original cat cafe and had a very amazing grilled cheese aptly named a 'Cat Lady'. It was boiling out, really scorchio, but I knew the weather forcast was predicting rain so I dragged myself around the city trying to find a coat (I left mine ready to take in the kitchen). Okay, well long story short I did not have a good day, my anxiety was just too much for me to handle and everything I did was pretty miserable. Went to bed at 9 again, exhausted. 

Day 3 I woke up at almost 9 (hoorah!) and had a breakfast of biscuits and crackers before heading out. What a difference, where the previous day had been hot and bustling, the city lively and exuberant with lots of people out enjoying the sun and the weekend street festivals, today in the rain the city was calm and quiet, it was everything I needed quite honestly. I finally found a coat but while searching I discovered something much better, DAVIDsTEA! This is a paradise of tea choices! I have never seen so many tea options, nor have I ever smelled something so amazing! With everything from perfect traditional teas to the most incredible fruit and hebal blends, I was practically floored. I tried the tea of the day (a spiced pumpkin chai) and bought a few little tasters. It's incredible, expect me to come home, tea laden! I will include some photos at the bottom. Next I walked to the 'gay village' but I couldn't find the good bit so I carried on to Old Montreal, the dockside area with old buildings and cobbled streets, it was beautiful but packed with tourists and tourist shops so not my cup of tea (my cup of tea was a pumpkin chai latte with honey and it was very much my cup of tea!). After a little look about I headed back to Rue Saint-Denis and started the long walk back to my accomodation. I was starving by 4.30 and happened to be going past a different cat cafe so popped inside, they seated me at a single chair with no table and told me they'd be back to take my order, after 10 minutes or so they brought a cupcake to the people on the next table who asked if they could have their drinks too. Overhearing one woman say to the other '30 minutes for a cupcake and they still haven't brought our drinks!' I left. Knowing Cafe Chate L'heureux served excellent food I headed there instead and had the most amazing roast cauliflower salad! 

I went home and showered, washed my hair and bouyed myself up to go out again, but it was raining so much by this time, that I didn't want to stay out in it so I was back to the cat cafe for a cup of tea before bed, I stayed until 10pm, dirty stopout that I am! 

So now I have woken up on day 4 feeling far more positive and wondering what I will have to write about at the end of today! Who knows! Thanks guys, I wasn't happy when I got here, I'll admit that, because it's just as as important to be unhappy, you learn more. I feel much better now though, I hope I will look back on this trip and say I love Montreal, but if not, then that's okay too. :) 

The area I'm staying in; Plateau Mont Royal

Cafe Chat L'heureux!

DAVIDsTEA!! 

One of the beautiful old buldings of Old Motreal. 

Self awareness

So, a quick breakdown of my self development. The best way to describe it is like an eclipse. There was a time when my sun; my ability to cope, my self awareness, was really small. My anxiety was like a huge planet, moving in front of the sun and blocking out all it's light. In that moment, I was in a place so utterly dark, that I could not even imagine what the sun looked like anymore. Over time I have learnt a lot about myself and what brings about an eclipse, what helps me to nurture my sun and what helps to remind me that the dark is not all there is. My anxiety has stayed much the same, it is still a huge heavenly body, utterly dark that can move between me and my source of light, it hasn't got smaller, however, as I have nurtured a sense of self awareness, my sun has grown. Sometimes it is still the tiny ball of light that it used to be, and it is completely overtaken by an inability to cope, but other times is is huge and though the anxiety is a blot on it's landscape, terrifying, threatening to cut me off from all feelings of hope, my self awareness is bigger. The fear is still the same, but the knowledge that I can cope, and how to do that is has grown. 

Travel, mindfulness, music and friends have been the biggest instruments in my self development, I don't know what happens next, I'd like to think I find a way to keep that sun the same size, as it is a most contrary star and not at all predictable like my anxiety is turning out to be.