No more blog

I'm not writing the blog anymore, I can't take the stress of it. It's a loss because I'll have nothing to look back on, but it's not like last year and ever since I arrived, writing my blog has done nothing but upset me. 

Thank you all for reading, 

Hannah

At 6:30PM.

At 6:30 after having been awake since 7am, I finally plucked up the courage to go out. Oh joy. 

I am opposite a big park, I will add a photo. It's very pretty from above. I can't decide which is worse, being inside or being outside. That sounds terrible, It would have sounded better if I'd said "I can't decide which is better" but that would be a bit pointless. I'm stuck inside, don't get me wrong, I have days, especially if Mum is away, where I don't go out and I no one visits, but I'm never alone alone, there are people I could phone, people who are awake (*would it kill you guys to stay awake all night in case I need to chat??) and there are people outside the window, walking past, walking dogs, people across the street yelling and banging on each others windows (we live across from the 'vulnerable adults' accommodation, apparently window banging is like a whole language for them) and people parking their cars in out residents only bays (and earning beady stares from me as I sit in my window). What I mean is I still see a lot if people, and not people 32 floors down in the street like ants, people at eye level who most of the time probably don't know I'm there but it makes no difference. Secondly I make a lot of noise myself, I talk, I pull faces, I stomp, when I get hold of an instrument I sing, you get the picture. Thirdly, I have two cats. There is a formula for cats and happiness, I with I could remember more about the Nth term, but it goes something like: 1st cat =100% rise in happiness, each subsequent cat = a rise in happiness equal to 50% of the rise in happiness cause by first cat. I'm not kidding, this is science! 

Actually it's just a working theory but I fully believe it and if anyone would like to contribute to my reasearch into cat happiness, I'd be happy for you to add to my collection of cats, I have an one of those **wishlists like couples getting married have, so make sure no 2 people get me the same cat (goodness wouldn't that be embarassing!) but I feel I have strayed off the point here, my point is, I have the best non human company available anywhere at home, it's luxary company. One keeps my lap warm while the other one shows me just the right level of indifference to ensure I don't forget I'm in the presence of GODS. (And I don't.) 

Today I woke up at seven having slept fitfully and didn't leave the house. I haven't seen a single person or heard a single voice other than the occasional clamour of voices from the street if I open the window. 

I read all day, a very disappointing and frustating book about a reasonably paranoid detective that mademe reasonably paranoid myself. All day I rook short breaks from my paranoia to reward myself with self loathing and pity and terse words inside my head ("All the way to New Zealand and you won't go out, of hell done"). I took a short break at mid day to write to the blog, and another slightly later to tear up while looking out of the window miserabley and wondering if there was any way I could find an excuse to fall out of it (turns out no, throwing myself from a window won't make me happy, my heart has wounds that can only be healed by the soft paws of kittens hint hint). 

At 6:15 I finished the (bloody stupid pretentious) book and considered going outside. The sun had mostly cooled, but there were clouds drawing besides so It was that gentle eveningy light. I decided to risk it. 

So I did, I went to the park for 15minutes. Then I had a stroke of realisation! Parks are not the same as wildlife reserves or museum gardens, they are not filled with kids on school trips, tourists and nerds like myself! No matter what a beautiful park it is, come early evening it will be dotted with groups of locals, youths and drunk men weeing. After the second man  weeing I decided this was not a museum garden, these people were not here to observe Kaka reeding stations or glimpse a rare Takahe, these people are socialising and unwinding. I was glad to have an excuse to leave the park, but my only other option seemed to be to walk the busy shopping streets or go back to ny room. I went back to my room having not actually heard anyone speaking english and realising I didn't know which was worse, the feeling of unchanging unease that I felt crammed in one room (with a huge floor to ceiling window I might add) all day, or feeling totally isolated outside in a big city. 

Tomorrow I hope I will go to the zoo, I may take a temazepam before bed and hope that just like wherever I stay, today was 'first day fever' (something I more or less get when I go anywhere that involves not wanting to go out.) It does seem to crop up at it's strongest when I have just arrived somewhere. (I remember my 2nd day in Wellington, it was overcast, I shook all day and went very early.) 

This day almost exactly mirrors my big day of epiphany in Stockholm when I couldn't go out, spent all day reading and eventually attempted to leave the appartment in the afternoon. It was -7 degrees and I just couldn't get further than a few steps out of the doorway. That was my second day too, I guess this is also. I have a natural talent for not leaving the house! 

If I had someone with me, I would have gone out today, I know this is true. People who see my travel alone ask why I didn't find someone to come with me. It seems a pretty ridiculous question to me and I never know how to answer it, almost like being asked why I don't grown money in my garden. I would probably answer both questions the same, 'is that possible?' 'Can people even do that?' 'I don't know how and wouldn't know where to start'. I am terrible at being lonely, but I don't know where on earth I would find a human person to drag around the world. I guess I could grow one in my garden, spring is on thw way. 

Anyway, my point is, I'm tired, hungry, lonely, a touch paranoid and a little sad. I don't like to stay in and act the recluse, it's a waste of opportunity, time, money, patience and my self respect which is wearing pretty thin. 

Fix me? 

*this is an in joke I have with my Mum, I couldn't resist, even if she doen't read it. 

**wishlist as follows. Subject to change. 

Burmese

Maine coon

Egyptian Mau

American curl 

LaPerm

Scottish Fold

Bengal

Savannah 

Devon rex

Cornish rex

Any old Moggie

Tiger

Last of all I should note the appalling book in question was 'In the Woods' by Tana French, It's a long time since I've read a book that goes downhill so fast and that ends with such a lack of resolution that I wanted to throw it out of my giant window! On top of that is was bluderingly obvious, patronising, pretentious and fruitless! Highly unreccomended. 

View from my huge window.

I haven't really been up to much

Putting Auckland on my list was a bit of a mistake. I wrongly assumed that because I didn't actively dislike Auckland, I would probably like it if I went for longer. But it's too big and nerve wracking and I totally misjudged it. I have been up the sky tower (and will post a photo of the views), to the aquarium, bought a Ukulele, gone swimming, and plan to go to the zoo. I was going to visit the zoo today but I'm near paralyzed with fear and am too scared to leave my room. Oh that's a Surprise. My accomodation is on the 32 floor of a posh apartment building that's all polished marble lobby and 8th floor spa and swimming pool. I wasn't too bad when I arrived but I spent a considerable amout of time, about 6 hours working out how I could tell her how unhappy I am with the sate of my room and bathroom while I waited for her to get home. In the end I resolved to ask her for a hoover or dustpan and brush in the most tactful way possible with minimum fuss. It turns out that she doesn't own either. Apparently the cleaner does that and she brings them with her. Like hell. Why is my floor covered in debris and the bathroom FULL of hair?? What does the cleaner fo with the vacume, she's clearly not using it to suck things up! Anyway, it really isn't the host's fault, she then went about making me feel extra guilty as she picked up all the obvious pieces of  fluff, shopping tags, peach stems etc off my floor. I felt unbelieveabley bad since I wouln't have taken it up with her if I'd known. However there is still a considerable pile of hair I have swept into the corner of my super posh bathroom.  

How does anyone live without a hoover or dustpan and brush? Doesn't she feel helpless that, god forbid, something gets spilled or smashed she has no way of gathering it up? I think without cleaning things myself I would go exceedingly mad. Maybe because I have 2 cats and without a vaccume the house would be so fluffy we'd drown, but I don't think I could live without being able to clean and tidy myself. I have a look of horror on my face, you can't see it, but you can imagine it. 

The place I stayed before this was lovely but a but odd, beautiful house and neighbourhood, that's all I can say really. I didn't have access to a kitchen but the tea and coffee facilities were a nice surprise. Anyway, I love cicadas and wooden houses with picket fences and tree ferns in the suburbs, but I honestly don't think that would be enough to bring me back to Auckland a third time. For anyone who doesn't know, alrhough Welly is the capital, Auckland is the biggest city in NZ and is higher up in a slightly more subtropical, less windy area. It houses something like a third or a quarter of NZ's whole population and it's a city through and through. Wellington at the very bottom of the north island is smaller, and it's not only the capital of the country, but it's also considered the arts capital of NZ, put simply it's bloody lovely. The people are bloody lovely, the atmosphere is bloody lovely and I bloody love it. Auckland is full of high rises and I can't seem to get a grip on it, especially today I can't bring myself to go wondering in the crowds and big strees and chain stores and coffee shops, starbucks. Wellington is also the coffee capital of the world, it has a higer population density of coffee shops than New York city and they're mostly independenly owned, interesting, fair trade organic jobbies with interesting snacks and amazing ginger beer. 

What we're looking at, is the difference between Camden lock, or london southbank, Vs, Oxford circus. Honestly, I'm not in the mood, and even the lure of a zoo isn't doing the job. I'm skipping today, itMs a waste of money since I'm paying for this fiasco, but I'm going to make mistakes. At the end of the day, I've learnt some things, and especially if it go home having disliked Auckland and Oz, at least I went to Wellington which was the reason I came out here, I could have stayed longer, but I was okay with leaving too. If nothing else works out or comes good. It will have been worth it for that! However, what I hate to think is that I'll spend the next 11 days reading and then go home having not tried. I'm letting myself off on Auckland since I have done some things, and I've been before, it's okay to decide you don't like something as long as you've tried it, but if I go to Sydney and Melbourne and don't leave my room, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. 

I had this vivid image in my head as I stood, soaked to my skin, water squenching between my toes with every step, in the middle of the forest at night in that silly bit of Cyclone, of a mother, most likely my own, saying "how do you know you don't like it if you don't try it?". I know that's what it comes down to, but I can't seem to find the balance, I don't want to live a life where I'm too scared to try things, but I also don't want to spend my life forcing myself to do things I don't want to do and labelling it 'fun' or a 'holiday'. I disagreed vehemently with anyone who called this trip a holiday. It's not because I'm really pernickety as you might think, it is bacause I'm not enjoying myself enough for it to be a holiday. The way I explained it to people, I made it sould like the reason I had such a problem with it was because calling it a 'holiday' belittled the amout of stress and trouble the whole thing took, made it sound like it was a breeze and it wasn't, made a mockery of the challenge this whole thing was or something. 'They're all travel' I'd tell people, 'they're trips not holidays', but it wasn't just because I wanted people to remember how hard it is or something, there were two real reasons above all others that I insisted the word 'holiday' wasn't used. One, I don't think I deserve a holiday, Holidays are treats for people who have worked hard and accomplished something, sure I work hard every day, but not in the sense that other people do, I work hard at not screaming or self harming, I work hard at leaving the house, at going to therapy, at not crying for days afterwards. That's not the same kind of contribution to society hard work that people deserve holidays for. My Mum deserves a Holiday, she cares for and puts up with a daughter with enough problems to wear out 10 Mums. I can look after myself of course physically, but when I look after myself, I'm teetering, holding my breath, waiting. I don't know how my psychological state would fare didn't live with Mum. 

Secondly, I didn't want people to call it a Holiday because a small, desperate part of me hopes there is more to travel than this. I hope that the sorts of holidays on adverts and in books and films are not a fictional thing, the holidays where you go somewhere with someone who's company you enjoy, you relax, unwind, maybe do something fun or exciting and most of all you enjoy. I'm really scared that this, going somewhere and being terrified and feeling guilty and struggling from one irrational challenge to the next is all there is. If this is a Holiday then what have I got to look forward to? 

I always imagine normal things I want. This trip isn't one of them, it has amazing parts yes, but I don't want my holiday to be terrifying and unpleasent and lonely. This to me is work, this is a struggle. This is like going in a mine to look for gold, I go in and it's not beautiful or wonderful, it's scary and dark and I'm alone. But there's treasure in there and if I can find it, I'll know where to look, and one day I can bypass all the horrid bits and go straight to the gold because I took the time to find it earlier. Short term pain for long term gain. Maybe one day I'll visit Wellington with someone who's company I enjoy, we'll relax, unwind, maybe do something exciting. Have fun. And it won't be a trip, it won't be scrabbbling about in the dark for gold, I'll already know where the gold is hidden. It'll be a holiday. And we won't visit Auckland. 

Little disclaimer.

Okay, just to make things super super clear. On sunday morning I was pretty upset, I posted a blog post describing how I felt. Later that day I posted a second blog post explaining why I'd done it and why I was leaving it up. 

Then tonight I blogged again and noticed that the first blog post on sunday hadn't ever actually been published. I thought everyone was politely ignoring it. I don't know what people thought of the second blog post, no one commented, you must have all thought I was mad. 

Long story short, I have combined the 2 into 1 and posted them because for me, this is like a diary and it's got the good and the bad. Read it if you wish. I also posted another blog post tonight outlining what I've been up to. 

Both posts have little disclaimers on explaining what happened, but I wanted to make it even clearer. Hope everyone is on the same page, thank you xx

This is how I feel today, and then some.

Sunday morning. This didn't publish, I thought is had. All the worrying I did about people's reactions to how I was feeling, and my subsequent explanation in the next post must have sounded so out of context. I was under the impression that this had been up the whole time and everyone had ignored it politely. 

I have decided to post this anyway since I thought it was up here the whole time, but feel free to politely ignore it for real this time. (Today's; Monday's Blog post has also been posted.) 

This is how I felt sunday Morning:

"Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.

And I used to be such a nice person." 

After I posted this, I post again saying the following, I am moving it to here because it makes more sense in order. 

I'm not going to delete my earlier blog post just because I have regained control of my emotions. If I deleted all my bad blog posts when I felt good, then the opposit would also have to apply. I'd be lying if I said I felt good all of the time. I feel bad often enough to fill a book, but it passes as quickly as it comes on. I wish I could remember that all things pass, but I can't when I'm in that place. This morning I felt like I was so twisted up with anger that my soul was falling apart inside me. I felt so full of bitter rage that I thought it was all that I was. 

I couldn't write those honest words I borrowed, they're ugly and vengeful and true and although I want to be honest on here, I don't know where honesty ends and cruelty begins.

Lions and Tigers and Bears... Oh my!

There was a bit of a misunderstanding, at least On my end. On sunday morning I had a breakdown and instead of writing the ugly things I felt inside, I posted a passage from Figt Club, one of my favourite books. It was pushing the bounds of honesty and I thought everyone had politely ignored it. I have appologised several times but no one has acknowleged it. Well that's because it didn't publish. Still, I felt that as honesty goes, it should still be up there. I have decided to post it and it should apear above this post;  today's post. Still, feel free to politely ignore it! 

Monday morning. I know am running behind, also, I feel I owe some people an explanation and an apology. When I say I can't do one thing or another, I'm not putting myself down, I'm just stating a fact. I really am finding it so much harder to do all these things -write, play, (god forbid) draw- than I used to, so when I say I can't do it, I'm being honest, not criticising myself. I think a part of it is that I'm struggling with some demons I haven't identified yet, angry serpent-like things that are making me feel a lot of anger. I can't tell where they're coming from or what purpose they serve. Yesterday I had a gutteral rage that i couldn't find an outlet for, I'm sorry that I felt the need to express it here. I know it may have been unfair of me, but I like to belive that this blog is about a whole person and a whole experience and I do have a lot of ugly feelings inside me. 

Thank you to all the kind people who stick with me and write such kind things. You are honarary family, you have shown a kindness I find baffling and touching as it exceeds what I expect from people. 

I really do feel like I'm losing something, but I hope I'm just mislaying it. It's easy to see the bad things, they're louder than the simple moments of happiness that weave themselves into our day. I have seen and done the most delightful and wonderful things here, I've met strangers who needed somone to talk to, I've done things I never thought I'd get to do, and found amazing simple pleasures, perfect moments. ...however I have wrestled with feelings that are not new to me, but still continue to confound me each time they arise. I don't want them and they're not welcome. A better way to live would be to simply observe these feelings without judging them, to watch as they come and go without giving them power. Yeah, I know the drill, but I can't do it. Yet. 

So what have I done since the last time I really wrote? I've been to the zoo and fed the Lions, I've (shhh, it's a secret) been in the serval enclosure and petted the servals, I've been back to Ninjaflower (Wellington's best piercing studio) and had a few ear piercings, I've been to see beyond (a modern circus act) in the opera house, I've been back to Ninjaflower for photos of my piercinngs (to go in their portfolios), I've been to Zealandia (Wellington's nature reserve) in the sunny sunny daytime, I've had mighty tantrums inside and done some major sulking, I've been to see the Hobbit again (3D, 48fps, Atmos sound) and made up with my inner nerd, I've met up with some women who share in a hobby with me, I've talked a lot! I've had minor breakdowns, that felt like the end of the world when they happened. I've said some things here that were maybe too honest. I've been back to the zoo a 3rd time and gone behind the scenes with one of the keepers to meet their tiger, I have been snubbed and ignored by a tiger! I have met sun bears instead, and watched them go through their training and health checks, I have fed bears jam off a spoon. 

I have been on a night tour of Zealandia and been caught in a downpour in the forest valley for 2 hours; the tail end of Cyclone Lusi. I have seen a Kiwi roaming, I have seen a wild Eel, Wetas and Tuis and Bellbirds, I have seen Tuatara and Glowworms so beautiful they hurt to watch. 

I have had to wear flipflops and keep all my drippy, soaked through clothes in plastic bags.  

I have walked Cuba street and the waterfront and met many strangers who wanted someone to tell their story to, I met Terry who had brain damage but remembers 'gale and angela' and remembered his father the moment he heard him speak, I have met the woman who usually cooks but decided to get her friend a takeaway, I have met the man who is south african but lives in New zealand, who just got a new job.

I have drank ginger beer in the sun, and eaten in the museum garden, and searched for pebbles under a bridge. 

Lastly, I have flown away, leaving Wellington behind and arriving in Auckland with it's summer breezes, and Cicadas and sunshine in the day, and it's crickets by night. I have eaten warm Pumkin soup in a mug and gotten very sleepy. 

Now you have got as far as I have. What will tomorrow be made of? I don't know, good things and peace I hope. 

Night night xx 

My words have gone.

There was something I had last year when I wrote, that I feel looking back I am missing. I don't know what it is, I think I have lost my words. I feel like last year, words found their own place like when I write a song. Even writing this my words feel clumsy like I'm writing in a foreign language. I think I've lost something. 

I don't write songs anymore, I don't do art, I don't practice my music, I can't write. 

Just a note...

Just a note to say I'm sorry about the frequent typos in my blog, this year I am typing the whole thing out on my iPod touch. One post can take up to an hour to write and I just don't have the motivation to correct all the typos, as hideous as they might be. I apologise for the spelling mistakes too, there is no spell check on the blogger app and I only have myself to blame. Sorry about that! 

Films by starlight

There seems to be a lot of confusion about when I did what and what I've already done, so from now on I'll add the names of the days, and for anyone who doesn't know, New Zealand is 13 hours ahead of Britian, which basically means that when you get up on Friday morning, I'm about to go to bed friday night. 

Thank you everyone who comments, it's so kind of everyone to be so supportive. 

So the day I wrote about the last night, where I went to the Zoo, that was wednesday. Wednesday evening was amazing, I learn a real lesson. Where I am staying is Oriental Parade, across from Waitangi Park, one of Wellington's main central parks. Over the summer the park has been host to several 'films by starlight' events where the are food and drink stalls, a huge inflatable screen is erected and anyone can go sit in the park at dusk and watch one of the carefully selected films. They have had some wonderful choices including, The princess bride, Despicable me and Spirited away. On Wednesday night, they were playing one of my all time very favourite films (a film that if you haven't seen, I implore you to watch) Moonrise Kindom (Although not a children's film, it follows the story of two troubled children living on a small new england island who meet and plan to run away together. It's quirky with an interesting sense of humour, a fantastic cast, a wonderful backdrop and best of all, scouts!) 

I decided to go and crossed the road to the park, I was there for 5 minutes max before I decided I was too cold (read: SCARED) to stay. I came home. 

I told myself it wasn't fate that my favourite film was playing across the road, I told myself it wasn't destiny and it wasn't there to test me. I lied to myself to try to make myself feel better. The truth is, it wasn't fate or destiny, I had chosen to stay in the center of the city, and it was one of a selection of well chosen films. However, I was lying when when I told myself it wasn't a test. Maybe god or the universe were not testing me, but I was certainly testing myself and I was failing miserably. So I pulled my scratchy thermals over my sunburn (don't bring it up, I'm wearing suncream now), pulled another two layers over the top, and my snuggliest hat and scarf (I'd only packed for warm weather, it's lighter), I filled a hot water bottle and fetched another to sit on. I swallowed a spoonful of man the hell up and I walked back over to the park. I found a place to sit and waited a while. The film started and I felt so good that I had persevered! I waited 10 minutes and went home, I was cold and scratchy and uncomfortable. 

I passed the test because I knew when I was giving up out of fear and I found a way through. I passed the test because I didn't give up because I was scared. It didn't matter if I changed my mind and went home anyway (I was BLOODY FREEZING!), what matters is that I didn't let my fear stop me, I did what I felt I needed, no, wanted to do and I passed the test. Then I got extra marks for  knowing when to give up. For recognising when I was no longer giving up out of fear and for realising 'actually, I'm just not enjoying this!'. 

You see, I learnt recently that fear doesn't just stop me doing what I want to do, it also causes me to do all sorts of things that I don't really want to do too. 

When I booked this trip, I felt so bad that I wasn't going for 6 months or a year like most people seem to. I said to my (lovely) Mother "I feel so bad, I am too scared to go for 6 months!" And Mum said "do you want to go for 6 months?" To which I replied "OF COURSE NOT! That's what makes it so scary!" 

In my effort to overcome and conquer every possible fear in my life, I sometimes forget to check whether the reason I'm scared isn't just because it's not something I want. It's confusing, but sometimes I do things because I think I should overcome my fear of them, without checking whether I actually want to do them first. 

Sometimes I can't tell whether I want todo  something until I've pushed through my fear and sometimes even then I can't tell, but it's something I need to be aware of, that my fear definitely clouds my judgement, and not always in thw way I expect it to. 

I am very lucky that I have such wonderful people around me, and that I am learning things all the time. Anyone who remembers my resent trip to Sweden will know I had a pretty tough day where I was too scared to leave the appartment, but that day taught me more than I ever realised. Sometimes, enjoying things isn't about forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do! Although that's a concept I find hard to wrap my tiny mind around, I'm now learning that being happiness is actually less about making yourself suffer and more about being happy... Who knew? 

That was Wednesday, we've still got Thursay to go since it's Friday now and I had many adventures in between! 

We're all going to the zoo tomorrow...

Well it's been 2 days since I wrote, so I better get you up to speed! As it happens, we're not all going to the zoo tomorrow, sorry to disapoint. After my last blog post, I went home and read until I finally finished my long standing love affair with Sookie Stackhouse, it has taken a while but I finally read the last book in this ongoing series of guilty pleasures (A fact I'm telling you because I'm still grieving the end of our relationship). For those of you who are wondering, I am now entertaining the likes of Tyler Durden, Fight Club is a must read in my humble opinion. 

I took a Temazepam before bed since I just wasn't sleepinging properly up to this point (no one mention red bull, I wouldn't drink it unless I knew how it would affect me) so I thought a temazepam (prescribed for my bad sleep and nightmares) would help. And so it did! I slept right through to 9.30am and I felt better. Nightmares do terrible things to yours sleep, it's amazing what a night free of fear can do.

Since I could feel the effects of my good sleep wearing off and it was overcast again, I didn't want to waste the day so I took decisive action and caught a bus to Lyall bay, where I had stayed for a while last year (anyone remember my love affair with burmese beauty Rosie?). Lyall bay has houses, a beach and not that much more! What it does have is a deli. The most beautiful deli, inside and out! I didn't get a chance to visit the deli last year, since I kept setting off before it was open, and comeing home after it was shut, I decided it was finally time to try that deli. I had brunch, a mozzarella, tomato and olive toastie, though I don't like tomatoes or olives (or capers for that matter, it had capers too) but I ate it and felt very grown up about it too! (Is that what I think grown ups do? Eat things they don't like?? A question to explore another time!) 

After my 'Mmmmm' brunch (is that a good Mmmm or a bad Mmmm?) I set off to walk over the tallest hill in the whole world! (A regular size hill, Wellington is all hills) I will add some photos at the end, when you see the teeny tiny houses in them, remember that's where I started off. Lyall bay and Kilbirnie are both tha same side of a big hill, on the other side is Newtown park. You can go round the hill by bus, but I had decided to walk the big silly thing. It was like slaying a dragon in case you need something to compare it to, like slaying a really big, hilly, scorching hot, noisy, dragon. These hills are the kind that are steep and have zig zaggy roads going up them, last year my host laughed at me for calling the hills wiggly slopes or windy slopes, apparently most people just call them hills. 

Suddenly, climbing the wiggly slope, I could hear cicadas again and birds too! I had missed them so much as they'd stoped in the city due to the clouds, but in the trees they were still singing. Then I heard my first Tui of the trip! Tui's are a magnificant NZ bird, they sound like a combination of panpipes, and an animal being murdered. The first time I ever heard one I spent half an hour searching for the source of the strangled sounds and almost phoned the police! I love them, they are quintessentially new zealandish (not a word, AGAIN! I'm tired.) and make me dreadfully happy! 

I crossed the epic hill and reached the zoo where I imediately gave in to all my impulses and booked an encounter... Surprise surprise. But not like a sensible person would imagine, I booked it for THE NEXT DAY. Yes, you heard right, I went to the zoo, and then booked to go to the zoo again the next day. If I'd done it online, I could have gone on the day of the encounter, stayed all day and got free admission, but nooo, I did exactly what I did last year, and booked the encounter on a different day so I would have to go back, and pay for the first day too. 

Anyway, I had a splendid day at the zoo, looking at animals and the like. I then walked over the wiggly dragon again and this time to Kilbirnie so I could go to a better supermarket. Countdown sells the mango I like, New world does not. 

The  I took the bus back. How clever I thought I was, saving a doller and 50 cents (turns out I wasn't) by taking the bus from Kilbirnie instead of the zoo. 

In the evening I had some big fish to fry! But my neck hurts so I'm going to publish this and split the rest into 2 more posts. PHOTO TIME! 

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away..

Well.. Not exactly, but you get the gist and it seemed like a pretty good title. Yesterday morning I woke at 5am, the night before I had suffered a bit of an accomodation mix up which led to my host calling my Mum... in Wales. As you can imagine it totally didn't help me get into my house and let to me sitting outside and then dragging my luggage around the supermarket hoping someone would let me in when I got back. Anyway, needless to say I got in, felt all "oh why on earth did I come here? Do I even like New Zealand? Am I mad? I want to go hoooome" etc etc and went to be at a goodly hour. 

Then as I said, I got up at 5am yesterday,  wrote many important emails and sorted out many important things (not that many) and lay in bed reading. 

I got up and out at around 8am, wantered around the waterfront and the museum garden, and while I was busy wasting my day away I got a very important email. I arranged to meet a friend, a wonderful woman who hosted me in Wellington last year, for lunch at 12pm. After several long and grueling hours which made me question whether time mo es slower in NZ, it was finally time to go. I have to say I had a lovely lunch (Halloumi and walnut salad) an even lovelier waterfront walk with Sara and we talked about many things (cats mostly as it goes... Actually, not that many things, it really was cats cats cats..)

and I can still feel myself glowing with respect for this woman who I have a lot of time for, she has showed me a lot of kindness. 

Later I walked Cuba street, Wellington's central yet quirky street of boutiques, cafes and more. 

Lastly I stopped off and boucht myself a ticket for the evening's showing of the Hobbit: the desolation of my childhood hopes and dreams (at least I think that's what it's called) in 3D, 48FPS, Blow out your eardrums Dolby digital atmos (I have to admit, it blows out your mind too) at 8:30pm. Then I went home and read until it 'was TIME'. 

I think I watched about half an hour of the film, half a stomach churning, magical, topsy turvy hour where I literally almost climbed over the seats behind me in an attempt to get away from the spiders. Let me make this clear, I have seen this film twice already in 3D, 48FPS and DD Atmos make ALL the difference. May have been one of the most goosebumpy films I've ever watched. However I conceded after 30 minuted of internal struggling that I was clearly too tired to sit in a cinema until 11.30, and just got up and left, despite my inner nerd screaming "this is the only chance you will ever get to watch this film, in this format, in this cinema... If you walk out I'll disown you!"... But I did. 

Then I spoilt the affect if my frankly very mature decision by chatting to the girl behind the counter for a further half an hour or more. Oh well, I take my pride where I can get it... HEY GUYS! I spoke to a person, a HUMAN person! Eh, eh.. 

Anyway, to conclude, I slept terribley last night, my OCD is of the chart and I'm living off crackers despite buying my own cultlery and a bowl I can't eat in the house. I'm scared of the shower, I'm scared of my bed, I'm scared of the carpet. Today is overcast, I'm scared of clouds. I can't stop shaking, I've been shaking for hours. I'm falling asleep because that's one of the things I do when I'm really stressed, I shut down. 

I beed a cat, I'm not even kidding, somone find me a cat. 

I'm aching so much from shaking. 

I've been up since 6am but couldn't leave the house 'til 11. 

I hate me. I want to be someone else. 

Life is a mixed bag.

Ah, airport Wifi!

I couldn't post the last blog post because my 30 mins of free airport wifi ran out, so I paid for 45 mins of wifi, but it didn't go through, so I spent a long time on the phone to customers services, the upshot of which was that my transaction didn't go through and I needed to pay again, so I did and that worked but then I got my emails, 2 of which were payment receipts which meant it HAD gone through the first time! So I wasted most of the 45 mins I bought by being on the phone a second time to customer services asking for a refund. I am a little less elated but still determined to arrive in wellington happy! Let it slide, let it slide...

Oh my days!

Goodness I'm tired (I'm worn but not sleepy thanks to the wonders of red bull!) but I am finally here! It is midday and I have to wait another few hours before I can board my last flight but I feel elated! If I could I'd go for a run (probably the red bull speaking) but I have to guard my bags, on of the downsideds to having no fixed abode... But I'll get there, by the time the sleepy headed british public wake up tomorrow morning, I should be settling down in wellington. I might cry, right now I feel like happy crying but later I might feel like sad crying, I hope I'll remember that sad crying is okay too and won't last forever. There are cicadas out in the trees singing and I feel like a cartoon character, floating about the ground in a happy dream state! I may buy another red bull because I'd rater be wired when i get to wellington than tired, I always cry when I'm tired, I'm really still that 5 year old sobbing "I'm not tired" while having an all out tantrum from exhaustion and I find it hard to draw the line between physical exhaustion and emotional. I am determined to stay mindful of my weakenesses and the pitfalls I am prone to, and to recognise, without judgement, the rise and fall of my emotions (yeah, lets see how THAT goes...) hahaha... 

Right, without futher ado, I will leave tyou with my quote of the day (wonderful Alexis gave me this idea, I have alot to thank her for.) 

"No fear, No distractions, the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." 

When I remember this, I feel a sense of peace. If you haven't read/watched Fight Club, then you should, it's like the tough guys guide to mindfulness. 

Love and best wishes to all, speak soon. 

Xx

So much to say, so little time!

Hello! I'm in Singapore airport, I don't have enough time to say all the things I'd like to so I much be quick and just tell you all I love you! My wonderful Mum dropped me off at the airport and although I wanted to stay clinging to her like a drowned rat, I decided I had to leave sooner or later. I have been very reasonable (lets see how long THAT lasts)!

I did manage to sleep on the plane, there was an empty seat next to me and I managed to conquer my fear of airport blankets (I'm not even kidding...) long enough to fall asleep, I'm still extra tired though. Anyway, 1 flight down, 2 to go!! Changi  airport is still beautiful and tranquil, I love it, nothing like the cattlemartket that is Heatherow terminal 3 departures!! I have taken a few photos so will include them. 

I like traveling, I don't just mean going to new places, I mean the travelling part. I think thinking and working things out and if I don't like something, I'm only passing through. It's arriving that scares me! No matter how much I love Wellington, I will arrive overtired, jetlagged, hungry, scared, homesick and in need to a serious hug. Shall we take bets of how much I freak out when I get there? I probably will, at least I'm expecting it this time. 

I have had such amazing comments on my blog and I can't thank you all enough, you can't imagine how much it means to me that I feel so supported and validated, that so many kind people share with me their thoughtfulness and care. Thank you all, I will be replying to comments while I'm here (maybe not all the time) and I'm sorry I haven't thanked you all sooner, I was in what I call 'doomsday mode'. 

I am now at the gate, ready to depart on the next leg, I am nervous but I have to remember that I chose this trip, I chose every single aspect of it and all I need to do now is try to make the most of what is quite frankly an amazing oportunity. 

Last point, no one in the whole lounge is talking, except a group of New Zealanders, it is heartening and puts a smile on my face. I hope there is much more of it to come! 

Come on grab your friends, we're going to very distant lands...

Okay, new itinerary! I did spend a while on it only to look at last year's itinerary and realise it was a much more sensible format! Oh well, it'll at least give you something to puzzle over!

Just in case puzzling isn't your style, I'll type a quick itinerary below. 

At this point I'm actually excited but still sticking my head in the sand so I don't have the worries of buying cat food or travel insurance, let's just leave those to a last minute panic! As our old pal Pinkie Pie would say, I'm nervouscited, which at this point is a huge upgrade from my usual state of pre travel terror. I don't usually do excitement, I usually worry and tell myself I'll be excited when I've finished worrying (a trick that never works), travel is usually an exclusively terrifying ordeal (which brings me to another point which will need a whole other blog post!) with no excitement whatsoever! 

Anyway, without further ado, here is my itinerary! 

Fly from London - 7th March

Arrive Wellington - 9th March

Leave Wellington for Auckland -17th of March

Move from Auckland suburbs to city centre - 20th March

Fly to Sydney - 23rd March

Fly to Melbourne - 27th March 

Fly home - 1st April

Arrive home - 2nd of April

My Layovers are in Singapore which is a fantastic airport sporting a butterfly garden, cinema, koi pond, and apparently the biggest slide in any airport in the world... So they say. 

Are you thinking that you know someone who went to Australia, they went out there and worked or cleaned a hostel and they stayed 6 months or a year, they made so many friends out there, they came home a different person, full of confidence and with friends for life. Are you wondering why I'm only going for 9 days? Well that's because I'm not that person who goes for 6 months and cleans hostels and makes magical friendships, I'm just doing the best I can and I feel ashamed I'm not that person but I'm really not. I'm the person who can't catch a bus into town anymore, I'm the person who is scared of loud noises, open spaces, the cold, the wind, the rain, buses, heavy doors, you name it. So 9 days is better than nothing because I really could be doing nothing, it would be so much easier, but I'm not, I'm doing this. 

Anyway, I hope you didn't think I was moaning or ranting, I wasn't, that's called honesty. 

More to come, have a great day!