Got to write this down while I'm still experiencing it.

Right, so I just made the mistake of planning to go somewhere without checking it was open, so travelled actross the city, bought metro tickets etc only to arrive and it was closed. Why am I upset? Is it because I wasted my money? Is it because I wasted my time? Is it because I made plans and now I don't know what to do? Is it because I might have to change other plans to allow for my mistake? Is it because I made the mistake in the first place? 

I'm not sure, I keep telling myself it's not a big deal, it wasn't much money, it didn't take long, plans are flexible, people make mistakes. And yet.. And yet my face feels hot and my nose is tingly and my eyes keep leaking. My head is thinking of other things I might have got wrong, dredging them up, saying "look at this, look what a terrible affect this will have and now you are doomed and things will be awful forever, you're stupid and you should curl up and die, it's your only option really." It's like I majored in melodrama. What the tits! When people say that mental ilness is all in your head they are just making nonsense sounds with their mouths. No matter what sense of calm and perspective I bring to my mind, no matter how I use my HEAD to rationalise it, my body betrays me. Shakes, churning nausia, tears, stomach cramps and difficulty breathing. My words start getting caught in my throat and I grow dizzy, then I feel my body shutting off, my eyes start to close, my thoughts get fuzzy and vague and everything is in slow motion. If that's just in my head then so are all the other illnesses that you experience due to mental stimuli to the brain. 

I feel exceedingly stupid and sad. I'm not looking for someone to coddle me or tell me it's okay, everyone has plenty of kind words and I thank you for that but it's not what I'm looking for, what I want is something that comes from inside myself, I don't want other people to tell me it's okay, I want that feeling to come from inside ME, I don't want my mind and my body to turn against me at every little mistake I make, god knows I'm trying as hard as I can, so for once, would you just support me instead of beating me up over everything I do?!